A decade under the influence, what 2000-2009 meant to me.

This decade saw me grow up. All of my defining life experiences happened these ten years. I came into this decade as a precocious 11 year old who thought he was gonna be a professional football player/Astronaut when he grew up. in the Year 2000 I entered Woodlands Middle School and met the other half of this writing tandem. I sat through the events that unfolded on September 11, 2001 in my seventh grade english class with my best friend and then girlfriend. I had my first kiss. I had my first breakup. And met friends who I maintain to this day. This was all before High School. I'll never forget August 20th 2003, my first day at Lake Worth Community High School. I was an AFJROTC cadet along with one of my best friends who would go on to be my first college roommate. My freshman year of high school was spent playing football and chasing girls, something that would not deviate too much for the next four. My sophomore Year I had my first serious girlfriend. They say you always remember your first, well, somehow I'm still good friends with my first, despite myself. Around this time I realized I saw the world differently than most, I seldom took anything seriously and used my sense of humor as a coping mechanism to deal with the soul crushing effects of being a teenager. By self medicating with drugs and alcohol I learned who I was going to be when I grew up. I realized a few things about the world and decided maybe I was meant for something more than a self-serving life. I still carried on as a teenager but it wouldn't be until my senior year of high school when I would make a commitment. I remember my dad wanted to call up my recruiter and punch him in the face. I had a future, and to him it was not one of an enlisted man. I had another girlfriend at the time who was willing to do anything for me, not wanting to worry about anyone back home and wanting to life my life on my own I cast a perfectly nice person aside for my own gain. I now live with that every day of my life. I've been forgiven by her numerous times and told that it was no one's fault really, but I know better than that now, such is growing up. I would move out of my parent's house and up to tallahassee where I would attend Florida State University, I would spend my time there lazily spending my days on a couch where I would either drink myself into oblivion, play video games, or both. I found out I would be deploying to Iraq in the fall of 2008, I didn't have the balls to tell my family for nearly three months. This deployment has taught me a lot of who I am, who you can depend on in life, and what other people live like in other parts of the world. I've learned I'm very proud to be an American and consider myself fortunate enough to grow up where I did. I end this decade the same way I came into it. Single. full head of hair. and sober. here's to the aughts. the decade that I grew up in.

Brad's Top 10 Films of the 2000's

10. American Psycho (2000) - This movie made Christian Bale, as Patrick Bateman he was Dexter Morgan before Dexter Morgan. He realized what he was and the best part he was completely fine with it. Without this movie I don't think I would be able to tap that inner sociopath I posses. I may not murder people, well not literally anyway.

9. No Country For Old Men (2007) - Having never seen a movie with Javier Bardem before I saw this movie and the guy sold me completely on his character. Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones are given's in almost any movie you put them in. The cat and mouse game between Bardem and Brolin is solid throughout and the cameo by Woody Harrelson doesn't completely kill the movie.

8. Wall-E (2008) - If this movie doesn't bring a tear to your eye you're inhuman. Also, the recycling and exercise subtexts are a nice touch.

7. Star Trek (2009) - JJ Abrams is a better director than Michael Bay and this proves it. You can make a movie biased on a franchise and you don't have to make it explosion porn, you can have a story, you can have layered characters, you can make a good movie off of a popular title with a large fan base and not disappoint people.

6. any Lord Of The Rings movie (2001-2003) - Peter Jackson used to be a fat hump who had an epic beard, now he just has the epic beard. Watched as a episodic movie it serves as an awesome cinematic experience, a little draining, but awesome nonetheless.

5. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) - Rushmore was one of my favorite movies in high school and this movie stands out more than The Life Aquatic did to me. Wes Anderson is a great director and his newest movie The Fantastic Mr. Fox is slowly growing on me.

4. Inside Man (2006) - Clive Owen is hands down my favorite actor, Denzel is a close 2nd, I had forgotten this movie was directed by Spike Lee until I imdb'd it.

3. The Dark Knight (2008) - Christopher Nolan knows how to paint Gotham City, after Joel Schumacher ruined the batman franchise with Ledger's death polarized a movie that already promised to be intense and it only made the Joker role all the more haunting. Michale Caine as Alfred described the character perfectly "some men just want to see the world burn."

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) - Charlie Kaufman scripted a movie that I first saw days after breaking up with my first real girlfriend, I cried. Hard. I just remember feeling the way Jim Carrey's character Joel felt in the scene where he's driving his car and sobbing as he listens to a tape on his radio. Jim Carrey is known as a comedian, but this movie is hands down his best work as a lead actor.

1. City of God (2002) - Growing up I thought Brazil was a tropical paradise that had women with huge boobs, awesome beaches, and a giant jesus statue (and Bob Burnquist, I really liked skateboarding.) After watching this I my entire opinion of that country changed in a heart beat, it's like a third world version of The Wire.

The Only Good Thing About Your City: Philadelphia

Ah, Philadelphia. The nation’s first capital city. Home to the Liberty Bell and Philly cheesesteaks. I am going to be honest Philadelphia, the only good thing about your city is It’s Always Sunny. I would much rather spend an evening at Paddy’s than at a Sixers game.

76ers: Originally the Syracuse Nationals of the NLB, moved to Philly in the 60’s. In 1965 they acquired Wilt “I have slept with thousands of women, the Stilt" Chamberlain. Later that season their championship dreams were shattered by none other than the Boston Celtics. The following season they would go on to beat ‘em and win it all. The most recent championship they have won since was in the 1982-83 season. Despite many conference and division titles since their big win, they have been unable to repeat success. Allen Iverson is perhaps the greatest player in Sixers history. Fast forward 9 years, things are not looking too hot but ey, with 5-8 at least they’re better than the Nets.

Flyers: The Flyers were brought to your city in 1966. Their only Stanley Cups were won nearly thirty-five years ago. Kudos on being one of the all-time most winningest teams in the NHL. They have been division champs many times, but have not held the title since the 03-04 season. Last conference championship was thirteen years ago. Meh, hockey.

Phillies: The very first World Series win for the team came while Pete Rose still had a good name. With that win, finally the last of the original major league teams would have World Series title. Jesus, it took them long enough. Fast forward twenty-eight years and BAM! Two back to back appearances. After struggling for so long it was about time they came around. As a Yankee fan, I really dislike the Phillies. I don’t hate them or anything but I could do without a few of their players (especially you, Chase Utley). I’m not a total douche and can step away from my blue and white haze long enough to give credit where credit is due. The Phillies are one hell of a team. They’re strong on both sides of the field. I know it hurt you guys to lose this one with the loss of Harry Kalas.

Eagles:

Before 1999 the Eagles had fifteen playoff appearances and six division championships. The Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb era ushered in success including seven playoff appearances and five NFC East titles It seems they just can’t make it ALL-THE-WAY. Last August they picked up reformed citizen Michael Vick fresh out of prison to compliment Donovan McNabb. I still haven’t gotten used to seeing him in green and white.

The only thing good about your city: New Jersey

New Jersey, a state who's prime export is guidos, Is home to two Pro sport franchises. One is a basketball team that will eventually leave the state for Brooklyn, and another is a satanic cult lead by a fat goaltender. Who ever decided to grant pro sports teams to this armpit of a state should be throughly repremanded. Look, either put a team in New York or Philadelphia or don't make one at all. New Jersey: the sewage runoff state.

National Hockey League:

New Jersey Devils- A franchise who started out as the Kansas City Scouts, then transformed into the Colorado Rockies, then moved to New Jersey in 1982. Wayne Gretzky once so famously dubbed them a "Mickey Mouse Organization" after his Edmonton Oilers trounced them 13-4. The Devils would epitomize what it is to be from New Jersey for the first twelve years of their existance. That is to say, they were made fun of by pretty much everyone else. That would all change however in 1993 when rookie Martin Broduer was the standout net minder for the devils and they made a suprising run for the stanley cup. With Broduer in net the Devils would go on to win two more Stanley Cups and on the way to that Broduer has obtained the most wins out of any goalie in NHL history.

National Basketball League:

New Jersey Nets- Let me forward this by saying at the time I wrote this the 2009 New Jersey Nets were an astounding 0-10. This is all you really need to know about the Nets.

The New Jersey Nets started out as ABA franchise "The New Jersey Americans" The Nets have never won a NBA title, nor have they ever been taken as a serious playoff contender, even through at one point on their roster they featured a combination of Jason Kidd and Vince Carter. Mikhail Prokhorov, Russia’s richest man, recently became the owner of the Nets and has solidified his intent to build a stadium in Brooklyn, Great, now New York City can have two shitty basketball teams.

Are you looking forward to wendsday's post on Philly where I dig into my beloved city? Well, guess what? I'm not gonna give you the pleasure. Guest Blogger Lauren Krebs is gonna write her supposed distain for Philly (she's both a giants and yankees fan) and she's a woman who knows sports, so that instantly makes her a more appealing blogger than me.

The Only Good Thing About Your City: New York

New York City, Home of the Yankees, Mets, Rangers, and Knicks. The City Claims two football teams that play in new Jersey (the Giants and Jets) while they claim no affiliation to the Hockey Team on Long Island, the team itself calls itself the New York Islanders. The city has been home to many of sports most famous figures. Babe Ruth, Jackie Robinson (who played for the Brooklyn Dodgers), Derek Jeter, Lawrence Taylor, Joe Namath, Mark Messier, Patrick Ewing. They are also home to some of sports most infamous figures. Isiah Thomas (as a coach) Alex Rodriguez, and the 1993 New York Mets (and by any extention the present mets team) and Lawrence Taylor. With the largest Sports Market in America, It's no wonder New York is host to 7 pro sports franchises.

National Football League:

New York Jets- Formed as an AFL team in 1960 as the Titans of New York (they would adopt the titans throwback jerseys as a 3rd uniform in 2007). The Jets are most famous for their win over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III (their only super bowl win) in with their QB "Broadway" Joe Namath in 1969 (many people are quick to point out this season my be the sole reason why he is in the hall of fame, his final season he threw 4 TD passes and 16 interceptions). The Jets The team would go on to stumble it's way through the 1970's and in the 1983 draft would pass on future hall of famer Dan Marino for Ken O'Brien. Most recently the Jets drafted USC QB Mark Sanchez, who despite showing great promise in the first half of the season, has shown signs of weakness and all around USC-doucheness as of late.

New York Giants- Now, I could talk how everyone should be eternally grateful to the new york giants for stopping what could have potentially been the perfect storm of smugness emanating from boston fans after Super Bowl XLII where the 18-0 patriots lost to the Giants. But let's be real for a second, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna talk about Lawrence Taylor doing boat loads of coke, Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg, and former Giant (and current New Orleans Saint) Jeremey Shockey being a huge pile of University of Miami Douche. Those are the images I conjure up whenever I think of the New York Giants. Well, them and Chuck Bednarik hitting Frank Gifford so hard he was forced into retirement (I actually get a chubby when I watch that hit)

National Basketball Association:

New York Knicks- HOO BOY DO THE KNICKS BLOW. I mean, jesus, when you think of the knicks you're thinking of a team on par with a pick up game at your local rec league.You wanna know how bad they are? They paid Isiah Thomas to be a head coach of their team. The Knicks haven't won a NBA Championship in 36 years, and they haven't even been relevant in terms of playoff contention since Patrick Ewing played for them. Wanna know how bad they are? In a fictional universe Whoopi Goldberg was a head coach and it worked out better for them than what they're doing in real life.

National Hockey League:

New York Islanders- The Isles have won four (4) stanley cups in their history, but not one in the last 20 years and in the last five years they have won two playoff games while losing an astounding 184 games, The Islanders are hands down one of the worst franchises

New York Rangers- While it's so easy to hate the Rangers for the team they have currently (they feature uber-douche Sean Avery as one of their defensive players) it's easy to overlook Brian Leetch and Mike Richter, two of the best american hockey players to play the game. Mostly though, It's just super easy to hate the Rangers. The Rangers have been known as a team where good careers go to die. Notably, at various points in history the Rangers had Wayne Gretzky, Pavel Bure, Theo Fleury, Eric Lindross, and Alexi Kovalev on their rosters. None of those players brought any substantial success to the Rangers.

National Baseball League:

New York Yankees- 27 world series championships. Any time you ask anyone anything about the New York Yankees that's what they'll come up with. as impressive as that may be, understand something, that team has been around since the turn of the century, literally, 1901 was their first year in existence, so I've crunched the numbers here and that's one championship every four years, the yankees also lead the league in world series losses (13). There is no franchise in pro sports with more history than the yankess, which also give you plenty to hate about them. Babe Ruth was a fat, prostitute propositioning, cigar smoking, pitcher who is well known for being considered the Home Run King (despite Hank Aaron braking his record and then a steriod enhanced mongoloid breaking his in return) but is also the all time strikeout king. Lou Gerhrig once punched an orphan, that orphan would become Marilyn Monroe who would in turn get punched around by Joe DiMaggio. Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris were closeted homosexuals and spent a lot of time together if you know what I mean (note: I may or may not have made that up, well, the stuff about DiMaggio is true, he went Chris Brown all over Marilyn Monroe) then after being a shell of it's former self the Yankees were bought by George Steinbrenner and he named Billy Wagner as manager then brought in Reggie Jackson and began a tradition of hiring managers that know what they're doing, firing them and taking the side of the self-absorbed players. Steinbrenner would make a habit of simply buying players outright from their teams inorder to construct what would on paper be an all-star team made up of the best players from around the league thusly diluting the level of competition and making my hatred for them on par with that of the Dallas Cowboys, LA Lakers, and Pittsburgh Penguins.

New York Mets- as much as I hate the Yankees, and trust me, I hate them plenty, my scorn for the residents of Queens is even higher, although given their penchant for imploding down the stretch (and in the case of the 2009 season not even competing at all) it brings great joy to my face to watch them fail so hard. I'm not gonna go into the history of the mets so much, well, at all really because who cares? The mets transcend being a shitty team, they embody and embrace being one. All you need to know about the mets is that they will always live in the shadow of the yankees, despite their best efforts to appear as the yang to their yin.

Well. That's another city down, and another 7 franchises, bringing us to a mere 101 teams left. Next post is gonna be New Jersey, after that Is gonna be Philly, which I won't be writing, but will be featuring a guest writer: Lauren Krebs. and despite her handicap (she's both Yankee and Gator fan) she is quite knowledgeable on sports and can come up with some funny material, which will be a pleasant change around here. She might quite literally be the Peggy Olsen to my Don Draper. I like to envision myself as Don Draper as much as possible, just with scotch instead of Rye, mmm scotch.

The Only Good Thing About Your City: Buffalo

Buffalo, a preverbal frozen wasteland. Home of two sports teams so famous for their futility one is even contemplating moving to CANADA! When I was going through Basic Training I knew a guy who grew up in miami, only to get stationed at Fort Drum, which is near Buffalo, when he found this out he almost cried, when he found out he was getting deployed he messaged me and sounded happier than he had been the past eight months. Sit and think about that. People would rather go to AFGHANISTAN than live in buffalo. Now, onto their crappy teams.

National Football League-

Buffalo Bills: Historically there are four teams that define futility in the NFL. The Bills are one of those teams. Wanna know how many super bowl wins they have? big fat zero. Playoff appearances in the last, oh, let's say decade? Zero. The Bills are so bad, I'm fairly confident UF could beat them. Currently the Bills have on their roster Terrell Owens, a man so distracting he can singlehandedly cause a team to implode a pun itself faster than a Red Giant. The Bills may become the first NFL team to move to canada, They play one game a season in in the Rodgers Centre in canada and would effectively make Toronto the proud owners of one of the NFL's worst franchises.

National Hockey League-

Buffalo Sabers: The Sabers have shown flashes of greatness, When Dominick Hasek and Michale Peca played for them many people considered the Sabers perennial playoff contenders. Joining the league in the '70-'71 season the Sabers are in the "Never won a stanley Cup" club. Their Current goaltender Ryan Miller is widely considered the second coming of Mike Richter, that is, a highly talented American goaltender.

Buffalo is hard to hate mainly because of how harmless they are. their fanbases are nowhere near as annoying as their cousins in NYC, and their neighbors to the east in Boston. Buffalo fans are one of the most tortured groups of people who've endured some terrible teams in their history, and it's just fun to make jokes at their expense. 14 down, 108 to go. Next post: New York City. (if you hadn't noticed the pattern, I'm going from North to South, East to West.

The only Good Thing About Your City: Boston

Bawh-stun, as the native pronounce their city, has four storied franchises, storied for their dominating play, overall team effort, and generating a fan base so insufferable that I wish the DoD sent me there to take care of that problem over the one we have oversees. Wanna know why you should hate this particular section of america so much? espnboston.com that's why. The city holds 32 world championships, and yet they feel like there is some bias against all their teams to quote tommy from quinsy "NO ONE DENIES THIS!"

Major League Baseball:

Boston Red Sox- Remember how earlier I said the Florida Panthers trading Roberto Luongo was the wort trade in the shitory of hockey? Well, many people regard the Trade of Babe Ruth for the off-broadway play No, No, Nanette the worst trade in the history of sport. After the sale of Ruth, the sox would be plagued by the imaginary "curse of the bambino" for the next 86 years the most polarizing example of this was during the 1986 world series where Mookie Wilson hit a ground ball between Bill Buckner's legs. The "curse" ended with a shitty Jimmy Fallon rom-com.

National Hockey League

Boston Bruins- Saying the Bruins are the most likable team in boston is on par with asking what is your favorite terminal disease. The Bruins have been around since 1924 and have won the Stanley Cup five times. In 1966 the Bruins had what may people consider the greatest hockey player of all time: Bobby Orr. Orr would be credited for revolutionizing the defenseman position and be named MVP of both stanley cups he won with the Bruins, To this day he is the only defenseman to win the NHL's season scoring title. Orr, coincidently, was the last captain for the Bruins to win a stanley cup.

National Basketball League:

Boston Celtics-Founded in 1946 their 17 Championships are the most in the NBA. Bill Russel became the first African-American to be in a NBA starting line up in 1964. In 1979 the celtics drafted Indiana State forward Larry Bird, for the next decade him and Michigan State point guard Magic Johnson would represent the most anticipated matchup in the NBA. Once Bird retired the celtics went from a once proud franchise to the epitome of suck and it would take a complete team overhaul and the addition of Kevin Garnett for them to win another Finals series. Bird's last Championship with the Celtics was 1986, it wouldn't be for another 22 years when KG arrived that they would win again.

National Football League

New England Patriots- Contrary to many of their fans belief, they existed well before 1992. 1960 was the actual year the Boston Patriots were founded as an AFL franchise. This team is what many people believe to be the source of the epidemic that is "Massholes" that is the insufferable boston area sports team that has a unshakable belief that their teams are vastly superior to all others and that anytime they lose some cruel injustice has been wrought on the world, need solid proof of the massholes existence? listen to a Bill Simmons podcast, or read one of his columns, he will speak to no end his profound love of his boston teams. Also, Bill Belichick might be satan, or at least a shareholder in haliburton.

Honestly, I held back berating these teams, The two I find it easiest to hate are the sox and pats, and that's mostly do to the intolerability of their fan bases, if there was some state-sponsored genocide of the fans of those teams I would sign up to be one of the executioners in a heart beat just so I would never have to deal with their collective stupidity ever again.

Alright, so, after this post it now puts me at having done 12 out of 122 teams only 110 more to go! or until I die of exhaustion!

The only Good Thing About Your City (Cities): Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver, Montreal

Part two in an ongoing series I'm just gonna go ahead and finish Canada. Who cares, an entire country named Doug and Janet. poutine is gross by the way. Starting with canada may have been boring, considering there aren't any NFL teams for me to hate, and the only city with an MLB team or NBA team was Toronto, but it's best I got this out of the way ASAP

National Hockey League:

Montreal Canadians: One of the "original six" The Canadians have won more stanley cups than any other team in the NHL (24) despite not having won one in sixteen years. The Canadians are responsible for the monster that is Patrick Roy, when Roy was a rookie he was the goalie for their stanley cup winning team in 1986. In the 2004-05 season they adopted Youppi, the former mascot of the then recently departed Expos, and equally as boring, their former mascots were the children of players or management.

Calgary Flames: Now, depending who you ask, the flames either started as the Calgary Tigers in 1921 or the Atlanta Flames in 1972. Either way they are one of two teams situated in the province of alberta, the other being the Edmonton oilers, who I'll get to later. Staying on the Mascot bandwagon, the Flames are responsible for the NHL's first mascot, Harvey the Hound, because canadians are boring you see, What a dog has to do with fire, I don't know, maybe they doused him in gasoline and lit him on fire before throwing him from a speeding car on a freeway, or maybe it was some epic foreshadowing of Mike Vick, who knows. The flames have won a stanley cup in the 88-89 season and made an unexpected run to the cup in 2004 causing then Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin to dub them "Canada's Team", oh good, an analogy to the Dallas Cowboys, there's your reason to hate them.

Edmonton Oilers: If you count years in the WHA (World Hockey Association, and don't worry I don't) the Oilers were founded in 1971, however they officially became a NHL team in 1979, and proceeded to own the NHL's ass for the next half decade. Responsible for introducing the world to the likes of Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Paul Coffey and Grant Fuhr. Now if only they could find some players in the present...

Vancouver Canucks: I give those canadians one thing, they sure are crafty when it comes to coming up with names for their teams. Canadians, Canucks, hell, why not just name one of your teams "People who live north of the US" it's like you people don't even try. They were on the lucky end of what many people call "the worst trade in the history of the NHL, EVER". Trading away Todd Burtuzzi, Alex Auld, and Bryan allen to the Florida Panthers for Roberto Luongo (Luongo still plays for the canucks, while none of the three still play for the Panthers). The Canucks are one of thirteen teams who haven't won a stanley cup.

Well, glad that whole country is over. Now onto the greatest country in the world, and to start it off, This worst fanbase in the entire country, that's right: Boston.

The Only Good Thing About Your City (Cities): Ottawa, Toronto, Montreal

This is the first entry in a series of posts that I plan on making that will cover all 122 Teams in the four major sports leagues (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL) hehe. MLS, that's cute. This first post I planned on just doing the city of Ottawa, then I realized they only had one team, which makes for a boring post. So I decided to expand it to the whole Province of Ottawa. Canada, catch the excitement!

The province of Ottawa is home to Four major sports teams. From what I gather a province is a goofy canadian version of a state, so they're basically the New York of Canada. Toronto and the city of Ottawa all reside in this province, which, more or less makes my argument valid. From what I hear Toronto is a pretty awesome place, I'll never know because I'm a red-blooded, capitalism loving american. Now, onto the teams!

Major League Baseball.
Toronto Blue Jays- Formed In 1977 The Blue Jays are now the only MLB team in Canada, with the former Montreal Expos moving to Washington DC in 2004. They have two World Series victories in 1992 and 1993 Defeating The Philadelphia Phillies and The Atlanta Braves.

National Basketball League.
Toronto Raptors- Formed in 1995 The Raptors are the only NBA team in Canada, with the former Vancouver Grizzlies moving to Memphis in 2001 (history kind of repeating itself there huh?). The Raptors were Famous for drafting Vince Carter in the 1998 Draft After his Six year Tenure he departed in 2004 and Chris Bosh has emerged as not only a Team Leader, but one of the premier players in the league. It's a shame really, because no one pays attention to any professional sports in Canada.

National Hockey League

I included the NHL because I happen to like hockey, but I have no Illusions that the majority of my readers have the same feeling toward the sport: "meh".

Toronto Maple Leafs- One of the "Original Six" The Toronto Maple Leafs have won eleven Stanley Cups are are bitter Rivals with cross, ugh, provincial rivals The Montreal Canadians. I really can't say much about the Maple Leafs, I mean, um, Mike Myers is a pretty big fan and made his terrible, terrible movie The Love Guru pretty much about the team. So, that's reason enough to hate them.

Ottawa Senators- The Current iteration of the Senators have been around since 1992, and have been one of the most successful franchises during their history, qualifying for the playoffs in 11 of the past 12 years and having one of the league's highest attendance numbers (around 19,000 per game, which is more than most Jacksonville Jaguars games....)

Woo! four down one hundred and eighteen more to go! Tomorrow: The rest of Canada! Getting America's hat out of the way!

Hey, New York, Fuck You!

Alright: Fuck You Joe Girardi, you half crazy fuck, oh you're such a genius manager! Really? half of your team is former all stars from other teams. A monkey could be the manager for the yankees and they could win a pennant. You're an appendix, your position may have once served a purpose, but has since become useless.

Fuck You Hideki Matsui. You're a DH, which is a polite way of telling you "you're old and we don't want you in the field, but here, you can hit for our pitcher" speaking of which

Fuck you Mariano Rivera. "the greatest world series closer of all time" hard to debate that, I'll give you that, but you know what, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Fuck You Johnny Damon: you look like the missing link you ugly fuck.

Fuck You Derek Jeter: Captain of the yankees, is like saying "King of douches"

Fuck You Alex Rodriguez: you suck out luod in the playoffs, just be glad Ryan Howard decided he didn't wanna do shit otherwise you'd be fucked.

Fuck You Mark Texera: You're a former brave and angel. I don't need a reason to hate you, you've given my two already.

Fuck You Joba Chamberlain: You tubby fuck, have fun eating your weight in cream cheese after the game.

and the final fuck you.

Fuck You Yankees Fans: god you people are annoying, I take that back, Fair-weather and bandwagon fans are annoying, Knowing plenty of people who are misplaced New Yorkers who live in florida, quite a few of you were rooting for the Rays last season. we have 27 world championships, yeah, well you have two in the past decade, where were you people when you were playing like shit and blowing 3-0 playoff leads to the Red Sox and making those fans insufferable? I blame you fucks for that shit. Fuck You, hard. I hope you people get turned into a Human Centipede

My Lawyers made me change the title of this entry so I wouldn't get sued

I'm all settled in here on my little slice of desolate isolated desert. I have a somewhat steady internet connection and my kindle, thing's could be worse a lot worse. I may have set myself up for failure, last time the army peeled me away from the world I severed ties with a girl who had done me no wrong and was perfectly happy being with me. I however was not content with being so far away from someone for so long all the while having thoughts and feelings for them. I deemed that person was non-essential to my success while I was gone and in spite of several attempts to rekindle some kind of relationship, it always failed. Sometimes life is just funny like that. Now here I find my self even farther away from another girl and yet have feelings I can't even explain. I know I've never felt this way for another person in my entire life. The similarities between us and our interests are far too striking to cast aside as mere coincidence. As it stands, she is a girl who I have longed for as far back as I can remember, nothing more nothing less, I made a rule on this blog to never mention names except for joe's and well, im clearly not talking about him and I won't break that rule. I wont even name drop other vastly more successful bloggers who've mentioned me and or read this blog. Simply cause I don't wanna sound like a sycophantic douche, general asshole douche i can live with, but the riding of others coattails is well, for lack of a better word, gay. I guess what im trying to say is I'm happy that I've found someone who i can simply talk to and feel awesome about, but at the same time I feel like the decision I made three years ago may have been self-serving, but it was one of a 18 year old kid who didn't know how to handle things and quite honestly wasn't willing to be a man in spite of a daunting challenge that laid ahead of him. now here I stand three years older and having learned from mistakes willing to make a leap into something that could have huge dividends (a lifetime of happiness) or could blow up in my face (rejection without alcohol and my closer friends to cheer me up). Either way, This deployment has done more to me than I think I realize.

Week In Sucktitude: Week 1

44 weeks since I've been able to talk about the NFL. fuck there's a lot of backage here, It's only week 1 and it seems like the whole league Is ready to end the season tomorrow, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!?! GO HUG A CLAYMORE KURT WARNER. Between The Bengals D allowing Neckbeard to hook up with Brandon Stokley for an 89 yard score and the Panthers Special teams to allow DeSean Jackson to return a punt for 85 Yards for another score. Between those two plays and Pat White singlehandedly killing the wildcat, week 1 sure had some suck moments, like Brady Quinn's Garo Yepremain-esque fumble/throw. Byron Leftwich's 12 second release, and the Rams forgetting to even show up, Something I realized last night, We're one matt schaub papercut away from seeing Rex "sex cannon" Grossman in Texans' blue (or red). This week's Suckiest Player: Jake Delhomme 4 picks and 1 fumble resulting in 24 points for the eagles. Way to make fans want to see Luke McCown over you. oh he got hurt. Then began the Matt Moore era in Carolina. Good thing for you the panthers don't have any fans, just people waiting till college basketball starts again.
BONUS!Street Fighter II edition Aaron Rodgers

SHROYUKEN

50 songs I like

hell, joe is an under achiever, besides americans love round numbers (43? WTF you commie) This list isn't in order of appreciation, they're just 50 songs I enjoy listening to

1. Brand New "At The Bottom"
A friend of mine told me listening to this new album would require some adjusting, she was dead wrong.

2. Clipse "Mamma I'm so sorry"
Pusha T and Malice are maybe my two favorite rappers, Clipse is the Virginia Soundtrack

3. Cobra Starship "I may be rude but I'm the truth"
It's not the best song on their new album by a long shot, but the lyrical content was described to me as "Brad's Theme Song" by a friend. Couldn't be more true.

4. Common "Universal Mind Control"
As a Solo artist Common may be the best rapper out right now

5. David Rush "Shooting star ft. LMFAO, Kevin Rudolph, Pitbull"
Kevin Rudolph's hook backed by LMFAO's beat is pretty much the best part of this song, the video is pretty good as well

6. A Day to Remember "If It means a lot to you"
ADTR might be your stereotypical hardcore band, but their slow songs are hauntingly relatable (at least for me) the lyrics of this one work for someone who's deployed (like yours truly)

7. Fall Out Boy "The (Shipped) Gold Standard "
This album is pretty sub-par as a whole, but this song stands out as a throw back to "Take This To Your Grave"

8. The Format "Dog Problems"
The fall of 2007 I was stationed at Fort Eustis VA. I met a girl there who I thought at the time was the most awesome person ever, she made at least 4 other guys feel that way on my floor. yeah.

9. Incubus "Stellar"
my favorite Incubus song, inspite of the lyrics making absolutely no sense.

10. Jimmy Eat World "The Authority Song"
This album came out when I was in middle school, I will still listen to it more than 3OH3!, fuck that band sucks.

11. John Mayer "Why Georgia"
I've honestly felt like that song described my first semester in college, I wanted to go home every day and I second guessed almost everything I did.

12. Justin Timberlake "lovestoned/I Think she knows"
house party anthem that I play when I would clean my apartment

13. Kid Cudi "Day and Night"
when the fuck is this album coming out? every song cudi has a guest appearance on someone's CD becomes my favorite on that album.

14. Kanye West "Welcome to heartbreak ft. Kid cudi"
case and point, only real good song on that CD, mainly cause it's not yeezey singing

15. The Killers "All these Things I've Done"
I wrote "I've got soul but im not a soldier" on my cleats in Hs football, now I have no soul and I'm a soldier, funny how that worked out.

16. lil' Wayne "Shooter"
so The Carter 2 may be better than The Carter 3, who cares, weezy address critics and has Robin Thicke backing him up. classic track.

17. Ludacris "Welcome to Atlanta"
Jermaine Dupree is terrible at rapping, this is no secret.

18. MGMT "Electric Feel"
I think every hipster party I went to played this song, katy perry did a horrendious cover of it, but she openly kisses girls so it's hard to fault her on anything really

19. Muse "Supermassive Black Hole"
My sister told me this song was used in Twilight, there is a reason why I won't be buying the new Muse CD

20. New Found Glory "Hit or Miss"
I bought this CD back in middle school and it was one of three that I've had break due to over use, Blink 182's dude ranch and the godzilla Soundtrack, why I'm admitting to the third one is beyond me.

21. The offspring "The Meaning of life"
The offspring will forever hold as place in my heart, Klosterman has Kiss, Joe has NOFX, I have The Offspring

22. Panic! at the disco "The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage"
Panic! is the lyrical little sister to Fall Out Boy (this is no secret) im convinced if FOB put out a power pop album (semantics) no one would be able to tell the diffrence

23. Pearl Jam "Alive"
heh, pearl Jam means semen, now you know, and knowing is half the battle

24. Pharrell "Number one (ft. Kanye West)
Pharrell's solo albums never do as well as albums he's helped produce why is this? throw back to when kanye was just being a douche, not a singing douche

25. The Postal Service "against all odds"
Phill collins cover? Check electronic feedback? check eardrums blown due to the first 1:22 of listening to that? check and check

26. Queens of the Stone Age "Sick, Sick, Sick"
Drew Magary of KSK once claimed that this CD rocks so much face (im paraphrasing at best) I dunno what that means and yet here I am agreeing with him

27. Rage Against the Machine "Guerilla Radio"
despite being a K-mart Che, Zach de la rocha's final lines in this song served as a pre-game huddle speech for me once.

28. Say Anything "We Killed it"
I remember being dumped last semester and reverting to being a recluse who barely left his apartment and thinking this song would have been playing

29. Secret handshake "Summer of '98"
I sent this song to a girl l like who happens to live in texas, she still talks to me, could be a good sign

30. Silversun Pickups "It's nice to know you work alone"
I actually like the new album, I have nothing else about this song other than it's pretty good

31. Smashing Pumpkins "The beginning is the end is the beginning" inspite of being the theme song for watchmen and a batman movie, it still retains some credibility as a standard late 90's pumpkins song

32. T.I. "What You Know"
I remember Lake Worth High selling a bunch of T.I inspired Trojan shirts during basketball season, i wanted to shove downa nd step on the spine of any white kid I saw wearing one.

33. Third Eye Blind "jumper"
If this song doesn't bring a tear to your eye your heart has to be made of ice

34. Thom Yorke "The Eraser"
for those introverted moments

35. Thrice "Digital Sea"
bands like thrice I have major respect for due to their willingness to step outside what they normally do and try something different, and when it actually works, well, then consider myself a fan.

36. Thursday "signals over the air"
I have a habit of listening to my fair share of emo, why? cause fuck you that's why.

37. Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Zero"
Karen O might be insane. I hear she also sleeps with random fans, one reason to continue to listen to them.

38. Birdman and lil wayne "Army Gunz"
you have to be pretty arrogant (or uninspired) to sample yourself

39. Blink 182 "Shut up"
I remember when I first heard Blink was gonna name a Cd "Take off your pants and jacket" I had to explain the name slowly to my girlfriend at the time, she just did that upward nod and went ohhhh im farily confident she thought I had autism.

40. Bloc Party "Helicopter"
when I first got my xbox 360 the only game I had was project gotham racing 3, this was the only song I could will myself to listen to on that game, fucking euros and their electronica

41. The Fall of Troy "Act one, Scene one"
I remember I didn't care much fo this song but my sister loved it, it grew on me, I wish i could scream though.

42. Paramore "Misery business"
the only song with female vocals I have no shame singing along to

43. Gym Class heroes "Taxi Driver" if you can Identify more than four bands mentioned in that song we were probably friends in high school

44. Brand New "I will play my game beneath the spin light"
"if looks could really kill then my profession would be staring" christ, jessey lacey has angst

45. Jay -Z "Death of Autotune (D.O.A.)"
maybe the only good song on the new album

46. Postal Service "nothing better"
this duet with Jenny Lewis was a staple of many of my attempts in vain of salvaging relationships

47. Say anything "Yellow cat (slash) red cat"
being a lazy and otherwise unproductive person (when not in uniform) this song has described many a day for me

48. Jack Johnson "better together"
My mother and I have had a duet of this song on many a car ride. my mommy > your entire family

49. Fall Out Boy "I've got this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers"
As someone who has no current desire to ever marry the title of this song works as well as the actual lyrics themselves

50. Brand New "Degausser"
I have this song tattooed on me I love it so much

I only hurt the ones I love, myself

holy shit on a pita has a lot happened since I last posted up here. I'm deployed now, and thanks to the OPSEC brief I got I'm not gonna go into detail where I am, there are sand and camels though, so, there's that. I acquired (read: got my mom and dad to buy me) a kindle, I've honeslty had it for three weeks and I've read seven books on it. Usually I go a few months between books, but this thing has got me hooked line and sinker. Obviously, I've read some Chuck Klosterman "killing yourself to live", "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", "Downtown Owl", I read Christmas Ape (from kissing suzy kolber)'s book "the football fan's manifesto" I read Marina Orlova's book "hot for words" for purley educational reasons, a much long overdue reading of maddox's "Alphabet of Manliness", UFC fighter Forrest Griffin's "Got Fight" a part how to part self help book, I also went back and re read what was mine and joe's bible in high school "I hope they serve beer in hell" (Ed note: god does the movie look terrible, way to ruin a good memory) My obsession with Dexter has me going back and reading the book series (the fourth novel was released two days ago). I started with Mad Men and find myself wanting more now drinking and smoking in the work place with subservient secretaries who are willing to sleep with you, the iTunes store is my pusher man, I am the fiend. Oh yeah, I'm 21 now. Better late then never, stupid birthing process and gestation cycle, way to make me of age in the middle of a war zone. oh well, there are worse things I suppose. RIght? oh god please tell me im right.

-Brad

The week In Rage: who to blame first

1. Teabaggers- listen, I get it, you're angry about taxes and government spending, but listen, scrotal based pranks are not the way to go about getting change, I think John Oliver summed up things best

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Tea Party Tyranny
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

2. The Pittsburgh Penguins- now yes, I know they're beating my flyers 3-1, but here's the thing, Sidney Crosby in my eyes is about as whiny and about as bitchy as they come in the NHL, there I said it, the guy gets into fights and hits guys in the balls, tries to act tough in front of ovie (who could pummel him to the ice if he were ever so inclined) all the while the NHL is promoting him as their face of the league when there are plenty of other players better than him (Dion Phaneuf, Alex Ovechekin, Zach Parise, Marc Savard, Mike Richards) This video is one of my favorite encounters between the two, crosby basically gets an inflamed vagina and put's a hit on ovie as he's heading to the bench, ovie reacts by putting his arm around sid and saying "now, why you wanna go an do that?" great stuff

Twitter and You: Super Happy Internet Fun Time

As of late (read: a month ago) the media is a buzz with the micro-blogging site Twitter. Now, twitter is this place is what I like to call internet concentrate, meaning through short spurts of information (140 characters) that get relayed at will by people. My twitter is a place where I mention things that I feel don't fit in the blog (ironic cause anything really fits in here) but I would still like to share. It's web 2.0 at it's finest. Twitter is exactly what you make out of it. For example, I follow my sister, Shaq, Costa, and Olivia Munn (amongst 42 other people) that amalgam of people allows you to peek into the lives of people you find interesting. There are a lot of applications out there for twitter also, to make it more accessible. Tweet Deck Is the most popular of the third party apps, It lets you keep track of tweets, @replies and can let you check what trends people are tweeting about. Tweetie is an app that let's you iPhone users out there to keep track of your twitter and manage it. Twidriod is a similar app for the Google Android and twitberry being for, here it comes, the Blackberry.

The Phillies have lost their voice

I love the Phillies, I don't hide that, Harry Kalas didn't either. Harry Kalas to those who may be unaware was (and forever in my mind will be) the voice of the Phillies. Since 1971 Harry has been as much a part of he phillies as Schmidt, McGraw, Dykstra, and Schilling are, if not more. I didn't get to hear him call Schmidt's 500th home run or the 80' world series, as both event's happened before I was born. So many of my memories of Harry only occurred over the past few years when I could hear him over the internet. Sitting at my desk late at night while I was going through AIT when I could hear him call the games gave me a sense of connection to the outside world which I had become so detached from. Harry's voice had become something that helped me get through a stressful time in my life and hearing him get excited over a long drive from Ryan Howard put a broad smile across my face, hearing his enthusiasm for the game brought me back to when I was a kid during a hot summer day when we would play ball during summer camp. Getting to hear him call the '08 series is something I'll always remember as it is my favorite sports memory. The pure love of the game, and most important his love of the phillies is why he's going to go down as the most beloved figure in philly sports.

"One strike away; nothing-and-two, the count to Hinske. Fans on the their feet; rally towels are being waved. Brad Lidge stretches. The 0-2 pitch — swing and a miss, struck him out! The Philadelphia Phillies are 2008 World Champions of baseball! Brad Lidge does it again, and stays perfect for the 2008 season! 48-for-48 in save opportunities, and watch the city celebrate! Don't let the 48-hour wait diminish the euphoria of this moment, and the celebration. And it has been 28 years since the Phillies have enjoyed a World Championship; 25 years in this city with a team that has enjoyed a World Championship, and the fans are ready to celebrate. What a night!"

Those words are to me harry's most enduring and memorable call. He will be missed deeply.

DIY: being less slovenly

Well, I've been trying a new look lately, in on e of my previous posts I mentioned that uber-douche Spencer Pratt has a horrendous looking beard that makes mine look kept, so, seeing as how I doubt he's gonna shave his on my behest, I decided to shave mine. Yes, I know, Sampson cut his hair. Brett Myers did the same and his ERA is hovering around 5.54, bad example I know, especially heading into the NHL playoffs where you're not only encouraged to grow a beard, It's considered bad luck if you don't. My point is this, I realize the potential for me to be a starting pitcher in the majors isn't good, almost non existent seeing as how my fastball is slower than most pitcher's change-ups. Looking like I just got off of the Island from Lost wont get me a date anytime soon.

Also, wearing basketball shorts and t-shirts you get for free from jobs/events do not make for a very presentable person, I own more shorts made out of some mesh/polyester material than I do normal shorts, I own clothes actually, I just save them for when I go out, I literally wore a wifebeater and sweatpants an entire week once. Being blissfully unaware of my appearance I realize has been a hinderance, I'm not announcing that I'm gonna make the complete transformation into the hipster douche (I own a mac, wear new era hats and jackets, I used to own a sidekick before I traded it in for a G1)...... am I too late?

Oh, I'm not a professional anymore, I'm just a narwal loving private citizen

So If you've read costa's blog, and you should, You would know that We're going a road trip spanning Chicago, Cleveland, and Philly. The tentative date is set for May 4-10. The posts involving this road trip will undoubtedly involve someone ending up in jail, someone becoming a baby's daddy, and of course, us forgetting someone in a major metropolitan area hundreds of miles away from home.

Glad I'm writing a will in two weeks...

Mahalo

What I learned after Watching one episode of The Hills

Being that I'm a heterosexual Caucasian Male Between the ages of 20-25, I've never seen an episode of The Hills. There, now that that's out in the open I can provide an in-depth analysis in the lives of 20 something morons who live in LA.

Lauren Conrad (L.C) - The Central focus to the show. Has a house where she Roommates with Audrina and "Lo". Moronic for claiming that her life is stressful when all she does is sit around all day working (I use that term loosely) for a PR firm and going out clubbing at night. Used to be best friends with Heidi Montag.

Audrina - Lauren's roommate, moronic for having the intelligence of a plastic cup. She once posed nude in aspirations for posing in playboy, a simple google search will have those pictures pop up. I think she contributes most to the show when her mouth is closed and she's sitting by a pool.

Heidi Montag- "LC's former best friend, engaged to Spencer Pratt who may be the hugest douche to ever walk the face of the earth, is a moron for staying with said douche inspite of him hitting on other girls and listening to people he no longer considers friends over his supposed fiance. (not that I would listen to her either, I think the smartest thing she said was "this all seems a little set up" when her mom brings her ex-boyfriend who was a state wrestling champ and devout christian to dinner. here's a hint: IT WAS FUCKING SET UP!)

Spencer Pratt- well, lets put it this way, the guy makes Noah Parsons seem humble, He has a uber douche blow out haircut blonde hair and occasionally wears a beard, not the awesome kyle orton / brad newton neck beard, no, a beard that reeks of someone who likes seether, buckcherry, and says the word dog to his fellow douche friends who are just as, if not more white than he is.

Douchebag.

Well, I can't say I really learned anything, the show provides no real insight into the human race assuming you've spent anytime in a high school. I can't say I was entertained by it either, the entire time I was watching it I was hoping for Quinten "Rampage" Jackson to appear and pummel Pratt into submission or hit him with a shovel or something to that effect. fuck, why did they give these people a show?

International Playas Anthem

So, to avoid a post that sounds like the Kenny Powers Audiotapes I'm just gonna say this Watch Eastbound and Down, It's pretty much the best thing to happen to HBO in a while. Well, I mean, you could watch it if it were still on, the season wrapped two weeks ago so... yeah, but find a way to watch it, you won't be disappointed, that much I promise you.

Opening Night

I've been a Phillies fan all my life, contrary to many of the Rays fans who suddenly appeared all over campus this year when they suddenly were a contender this fall, who after they lost all but became extinct. Opening night was last night and Brett "The Redneck Rocket" Myers, who promptly gave up three home runs to Brian McCann, Jeff Francouer (who had a new open stance), and some new guy who we had to walk, intentionally, on his third plate appearance later in the night. Brett Myers ERA is at 6.00, he has played one game. I can tell it's gonna be a summer where I have to drink heavily during his starts. I hope his ERA goes down for the sake of the potential repeat, and his wife. Tomorrow night grampy moyer starts, I actually have lightened my stance on the oldest active player in the majors, He's not a bad pitcher in any sense, It's just, I think he's gonna wanna start collecting his social security soon and I don't want anything to interfere with that. Do I think the WFC will repeat? why not? for the past two years we've had slow starts to the season, nothing surprising there, then we seem to gain momentum up to the all star break, then the mets collapse in september and we win the division. Sure, the mets and braves have made some moves to make them more competitive, but to claim that anyone but the defending world champs are not the team to beat cheapens the world series win, the mets added a closer who pitched in the AL last year, he didn;t face the bats that exist in the NL East, and I'm not talking just on the phillies, K-Rod was in the AL West, not exactly the most overpowering bats in baseball. The Marlins need to find a way to keep Hanley Ramierez happy otherwise at some point in the season he's gonna want out and find a way to get just what he wants someplace else. The Braves seem to know what they're doing, I have a lot of respect for them, Bobby cox is a good manager. They say lightning doesn't strike the same place twice. I wonder what would happen if it struck three times.

Inner turmoil: Mango Salsa v. Roasted Garlic Hummus

I like dips. I'm into foods that are blended together into a paint to color my pallet in a delicious landscape that is flavor. I'm also at a crossroads. I'm unsure which is better. Mango Salsa is fucking delicious. whoever though to add a tropical fruit to a salsa mild in spice, was a genius. Optimally, The chip of choice would be a tostitos hint of lime tortilla chip. It's flavor allows for you to eat the salsa without the chip;s flavor overpowering it, but merely enhancing it with what one would be lead to believe is a missing ingredient. Mango salsa is the only salsa im convinced that one can either eat alone whilst working on a blog post, and as a party snack that helps as a conversation piece, normally no one mentions salsa at the party, it is a background food that blends in with the other chips and isn't even remembered after you take that first bite, but mango salsa, carries a sweet flavor that you do that eye squinting nod with a smile that says "you are in fact correct, this is good!"

Roasted Garlic Hummus is another dip entirely, the two beasts are like a polar bear and a Bengal Tiger, in nature they will never meet, the same can be said for roasted garlic hummus and mango salsa. hummus to the mass public is not a food that is well embraced, initially I was even unsure if mashed chickpeas would even be accepted by my tongue that serves as a preverbal tool booth operator to the highway that is my stomach, but I was soon convinced otherwise. Hummus ideally is served with pita chips, no frills though, the subtle tastes in hummus are thrown off by added effects like parmesan, tuscan herbs, or even more salt. Eating hummus does two things, either makes you sound like you are cultured and you are willing to try food from other cultures (bonus points if you've had falafel!) or you've got a beard and you have anxiety problems about other people (O hai!)

Brad Newton and Jason Segal, long lost...relatives? dopplegangers? whatever it is we're pretty much alike

Having sat around with nothing to do the past two weeks, I've been on a movies and TV binge. and during that time I realized something. I'm Jason Segal. Or rather I would have been had I been born eight years earlier, in LA and jewish. Segal co-stars in 'I love you, man' with Paul Rudd. I'm the writer of a somewhat successful blog, and im currently working on a novella titled 'closet geek'. Segal and I are both men of large builds who have some athletic talent and comedic talent to our charm, we are both also extremely huggable, or so im told. According to his wikipedia page several scenes from Forgetting Sarah Marshall were taken from real life, including his girlfriend breaking up with him while he was naked. I'm sortof a member of that elite club as I've had a girl tell me she never wants to see me again while I was nude. I also like 'How I Met Your Mother' Good show. Neil Patrick Harris and Alyson Hannigan are both in it. NPH is in Dr. Horrible's sing Along Blog which was written by Buffy creator Joss Whedon where the Character of Willow Rosenberg was played by none other than Alyson Hannigan a ha!...?

I really have no idea where that one degree of separation thing was going.....

Who are you again?

I changed the name of the blog, mainly cause I haven't had a hang over on a monday in a long time and I had always intended on changing the name as the initial one was a temporary name anyway. I don't really write about being drunk anymore either so the title hasn't been fitting for some time. I also like this name better anyway. that is all.

Your Move Bitch

Well, this spring break was about one thing. The sprit of competition. USA (me) v. Canada (Hunter). and I'm glad to report that as of midnight tonight. The US has emerged victorious. what's that? you're unaware of the competition? well. as anyone with an Xbox Live Gold account will tell you, few things are taken more seriously than one's gamer score. My roommate hunter and I have been neck and neck in gamer score all year long and the gauntlet was thrown down this week to see who's gamer score would prove higher at the end of the week. mine was a gaunt 13980 and his was a sizable 13605 . And as of midnight mine is 14774 and his is 14749. USA! USA! USA! USA! Now, I played 50 Cent: Blood in the sand and out of it I gained 680gp. Hunter, Played Dead Space and Fable 2 (my game btw). add to the fact that he's got Avatar the last airbender (bending air? but...oh i dont even know-ed), fuzion frenzy 2, and King Kong. 3 games that will give you 3000 points for simply playing through the entire game, no searching for x amnount of y, no play entire game on hardest difficulty, no, these games are simply for padding one's score. how can you take your score seriously if you have those three games, I mean, if you wanna be technical one could subtract 300gp from 14749 and you'd have 11749 and he'd be no where close, but no, as his host to this great country I must teach him that adversity is faced and overcome, so, I counted his cheaply earned 3000gp AND STILL FUCKING WON.

I feel prouder to be an american at this moment than any other moment in my life.

Enlisting in the army? fuck and yes

Obama being elected...? slightly, yes.

watching paris hilton go to jail in '07? mm toughie. yes.

As promised, part one in Brad Newton's "Recipes for disaster for an appetite for destruction for the enlightened connoisseur of foods"

well, a while ago I posted that along with the usual ranting and raving I do on here, I'd start posting up recipes for foods that I enjoy. Today I submit for your approval: New York Maple Pepper Bacon with a Pennsylvania Lager Glaze.

What you'll need:

16 slices thick-cut bacon

1 cup honey

1 cup maple syrup

2 cups Yuengling Lager

2 Tbsp Dijon Mustard

2 Tbsp Mustard powder

3 Tbsp Pepper

The Process:

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees Place parchment paper on a sheet pan and lay the bacon strips on it. Cover with another sheet of parchment paper. Bake for 15 Min. while all that is going on combine honey and maple syrup and boil it until it caramelizes. Add the beer and cook it until it's volume is reduced by half (this may take 10 min) add both mustards. Take the bacon from the oven and pour the mixture over top of the strips. return it to the oven for another 10 min. place on a plate covered with a paper towel and serve.

Makes 4 servings. (that's 4 strips for 1 serving, fatasses)

Next Week: Brad's Famous Mushroom dip. and Cornflake Chicken Drumsticks

Week in rage: what else can piss brad off

1. Tiger Woods- not too many people can find something wrong with tiger, I can though. What's that you say? He took a year off to heal from surgery? oh, well excuse me if new golfers have come onto the scene and the americans managed to win a Ryder Cup without him. oh he's back? well, he isn't, seeing as how he lost in the second round to Tim Clark. Go back to sleeping with your hot wife and putting your name on the three shittiest tasting Gatorades on the market. asshole.

2. NASCAR- how dare you hold a race on a sunday evening. do you realize what is normally supposed to be on fox on a sunday evening? pretty much the only reason to watch fox during the week period. look, rednecks hardly ever know what day of the week it is anyway, they have more pressing matters on their hands like, which sister to sleep with, or how to coordinate this mossy oak jacket with these wrangler jeans, and is cope straight better than skoal mint. I can sit here all day and talk about how boring nascar is cause all they do is take left turns and how it's technically not a sport at all blah blah blah but really I just wanna watch my simpsons, family guy, and american dad, occasionally king of the hill has something good on, but these days it's hit or miss. I'd rather be raped by Billy Mays for three hours than watch a NASCAR race.

3. Brian Dawkins- well, not really, I could never be mad at BDawk, the eagles front office though I can at no end. all it takes is one entry into youtube and you can see the impact Dawk brings onto the field, he really is Logan, he's a wolverine, Weapon fucking X. I'll miss him, and later on in the season when the Eagles play the Broncos and Brent Celek goes down field and burns him for a 22 yard catch, I'll be happy, but at the same time seeing dawk in that orange and blue will make me feel like i just watched someone drop-kick a puppy into a flaming chainsaw factory.

The Adventures of Joeington Banks and BNEW: gotta have me my boats n hoes

BNEW- YO TPIZZY B ON BOATS N SHIT, BNEW DOWN WID IT, HE SAY HE FUKK MERMAIDS, HE GETTIN DAT ARIEL PUZZY, NONE OF THAT URSULA SHIT.

Joeington Banks- Bradley, that didn't happen, that was a music video for The Lonley Island, I for one don't find Andy Samberg very funny, I prefer Andy Dick, that guy is so hilarious with his antics. have you seen him on sober house? it's very insightful as to the tortured artist's soul and the demons they face.

BNEW- *blank stare, thinks of ariel blowing him* BNEW DOWN WID IT, I HEARD DEM FISH BITCHES GOT GILLS, I AIN NEVER FUCKED A BITCH WITH GILLS BEFO. AN THA FUCK IS YOU TALKIN BOUT WHITE BOY? ANDY DICK GAY AIN YOU NEVER SEEN OLD SCHOOL? HE BLEW A CARROT. ALL WILL FERREL WANTED WAS SOME KFC.

Joeington Banks- Bradley, having relations with a mermaid is impossible anyway, they have fish parts from the waist down, andy dick on the other hand....

BNEW- *eyes shoot open*  BNEW AIN DOWN WID DAT BLEE DAT

Joeington Banks- what, im not gay, really!

week in rage : states that need to be nuked off the map for 100, alex

Every week I go over the top five things that pissed me me off. Enjoy as I ramble on about things a normal human being would simply learn to tolerate and live with.
1. Auto companies. Really? You already need more money? Obama has barley been president for a month and you're already hitting him up for more money? You ever have a family member ask you for money, only to call you right back and ask for even more? Like the first check hasn't even cleared yet and this guy wants more. Here's a clue. Stop spending absurd amounts of money on your own old greedy asses and take a pay cut of your own, rodger goodell just did it, I doubt you'll notice that insted of making 80 million you're only gonna make 60 so a few more people can keep their jobs and we can get this abysmal economy back on track.

2. Alex Rodriguez - your cousin injected you with "a mysterious substance"? Every time someone sticks a hypodermic needle and injects me, I make sure to ask just JUST WHAT THE FUCK IT IS BEFORE HAND. I really feel sorry for guys like griffey and greg maddox who went their careers without juicing and were more than capiable of hanging around and put up hall of fame numbers and yet don't get talked about nearly as much. Baseball is seriously fucked when a guy who is the highest paid player in the history of team sports is accused of juicing.

3. Fried Food - you know, for something so delicious you know it's going to be bad for you, and the chow hall I'm forced to go to serves primarily fried food in many forms: shrimp, catfish, corn, french fries, onion rings, some weird bastardization of an egg roll consisting of carrots, peas, and green beans all together. I love french fries, but there is a point where you feel your blood moving and you know its gotten bad. Not everythink needs to be flash cooked in greasei for one have been trying to eat healthier as part of my new years resolution (I might be the only person on earth who follows through with them) and mens health provides some awesome recepies and nutritional facts about some foods at the supermarket that are pretty helpful for trying to shed some poundage, recepies I may be posting to the blog (like baked maple honey bacon).

4. Wal-Mart - maybe the most redneck shopping outlet on earth next to bass pro shop, I saw a kids bow and arrow set and thought long and hard about the implications of a childrens instrument of death. I wear camoflague and shoot guns for a living and was scared a little.

5. The ENTIRE state of Tennessee- I make fun of Lendale White a lot, but, I think I might do it less after being in this shithole state for two weeks, or I might do it more, I dunno, I'm gonna play this one by ear, two days ago it was in the 70's which is comfortable for me, the next day it was 47, and this morning it was 18, if this trens continues it'll be -50 when I leave, while that temperature has never been recorded in the continental US I'm confident it will occur because clearly god hates this state. I think the army has a hardon for sending me to shitty places, Georgia, south carolina, missouri, and now this. For my floridian readers I will describe to you what Tennessee is, you know those streaches of the turnpike where there is nothing except for a gas station and the home of the guy who owns the gas station? Imagine an entire state of that and then memphis which is like jacksonville except smellier if you can imagine

Profiles in awesomeness: Marshawn Lynch

New segment here on the hangover: Profiles in awesomeness. Every week we profile one human being who exemplifies who just know how to be what is the creme de la creme of awesome. 

In our inaugural edition we have Buffalo Bills Running back: Marshawn Lynch

what makes him so awesome? well, other than the fact that he goes into "Beast Mode" whenever he gets in the game according to himself, The Sporting news recently interviewed him, here are some gems.

What's in my iPod: Messy Marv, Tha Jacka, Lil Webbie, Lil Boosie, Clyde Clarkson, Hustler, J Stylin, Keak Da Sneak and the Farm boyz, Killa Tank, Lee Majors (The Six Million Dollar Man? -ed), Mistah F.A.B, 2Pac, Sleepy D

Now, I knew exactly two names on that list. The whitest kid u kno

More awesomeness included:

On My Office Walls: A Mural of me and everything meaningful in my life (wait for it-ed) my cousin painted (of course-ed). It included my mamma, penguins (YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES -ed), The skyline of oakland, "Family First", footballs, and my goddaughter 

Best interview ever? let's continue

Favorite Meal: Fried Chicken (yay for stereotypes! - ed), spaghetti, and red kool-aid ( ...uhhh really? -ed) - unless my cousin made the blue kind (wow. that would be a win in ethnic bingo -ed)

I wish I were making this up. but no. this exists. those are his words. and it only gets better from there.

My Bucket List: I don't really think about that too often, but I would like to go to Africa and see what's up over there (you know, just a weekend trip, nothing serious -ed). also the Philippines and Asia. Go to Fiji and see if the water is really like that. (WTF? -ed) And also I'm going to go down in history for something, I'm not sure what yet, but it will be good.

That really just happened. Marshawn is going down in history alright, for being awesome

Source= Sporting News Today

Too Easy?

Now, I'm not saying that all Gator fans use psychedelic drugs. Because clearly the kid just had oral surgery done. But I'm also not not saying that.

The real victim of exploitation in this is the dad, who keeps a handycam in the car? I'm willing to venture a guess that after you got your son's crooked teeth fixed you decided to make a stop and pick up a blotter of acid just to see what would happen. Normal people do not question their existence after a trip to the dentist. 

The Adventures of Joeington Banks and BNEW: whence batman doth involved

Bnew- BATMAN SAY SHIT B OFF, AND PEOPLE B MAKIN A BIG DEAL ABOUT HIM TELL SHAWTYS HOW TO DO DEY JOBS, BNEW AIN DOWN WID IT. BNEW SAY BATMAN AN JOHN CONNOR KNOW HOW TO SAVE DA EARF SHAWTYS NEED TO LISTEN TO HIM!

Joeington Banks- Bradley, you do realize Christian bale is an actor, he's not really batman, and in reality him going on a nine minute tirade on how a light grip accidently walked into a shot is just another example of how overpaid actors have a overwhelming sense of importance and they are incredibly narcissistic.

BNEW- WHA IN THA FUCKK? ONE TIME I SAW BATMAN KILL A MAN WITH A AXE. YOU SAYIN HE SOFT? CUZ HE GO WAY HARD, I WANNA HIRE BATMAN AS MY BODYGUARD SHIT B OFF HE KNOW HOW TO SQUASH IT, SHIT EVEN WHEN HE B MAD HE KNOWS HOW TO SET IT TO A BEAT SO YOU CAN B IN THE CLUB WEN HE GETS HEATED. THER B LOVE IN DIS CLUBBBBBBBBB. 

Joeington Banks- that's acting Bradley, and no, you didn't see Batman kill a man with an axe, that was Bale playing the character Patrick Bateman in the movie American Psycho, and he also didn't plan his voice to sound like that, someone looped his voice for comedic effect, it's pretty easily done. The fact of the matter is that people are so interested in celebrities and not their own lives that this seems to take precedence over anything else and something like this becomes news, anything to help people forget their economy is failing just for a mere moment is enough I suppose these days.

BNEW- *thinks about him and christian bale making it rain, Bale then punches a stripper* BOOM BITCH! BNEW DOWN WID IT. ME AN BATMAN GON DRANK O WE GON DRANK BLEE DAT. WE GOT R OWN FUCK LION SO FUCK WID IT. DEN WE GON DRANK DAT ROCKERY FUEL AND DRIVE THE BATMOBILE AROUN TOWN A PULL US SUM SHAWTYS. BNEW SAY AIN NO DRANK GET DRANK TILL HE PUT A HURTIN ON DAT MOUF WID DAT DIKK. DEN BNEW GON TURN INTO DA DIKMAN NA MEEN?BNEW GON DRANK, HE GON GRAB DEM CHEREZ. GON CUM N RUN. AN IF YOU DON LIKE IT HIM AN BATMAN GON ROLL BY YO HOUS AN GON TRAININ DAY ON YO AZZ. HAPPY BIRFDAY BITCH. BNEW DOWN WID IT

The Week In Rage, BUZZSAW EDITION

Let's get this diatribe started. You know what's coming. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Fuck you Mr. Rooney, your old ass should have died years ago, there I said it. Fuck you Ben Roethlisberger, you and your douche goatee, your constant aloofness and the fact that you were probably eating a choco taco during the 4th quarter. Fuck you Hines Ward, not because you smile 8,000 times a game for no reason, Oh, a 4 yard catch SMILE TIME. I helped Willie Parker run two yards from my pass blocking SMILE, no, Fuck you for pretty much being an epic douche and starting shit with nearly every other secondary player in the league this year, you're a shithole and you need to die. Fuck You Santonio Holmes, You celebrate for every minor thing too, but when you celebrate you dont come up with anything original, oh you're clever alright for doing the lebron powder and throw, I know, I saw that nike commercial with lil' wayne too, you know what? FUCK YOU LIL' WAYNE, MAKING A ROCK ALBUM? BAD FUCKING IDEA. YOU HAVE FAILED SIR, AND GOOD DAY. Fuck You James Harrison, you have the lead and you try to punchout a guy who only plays on special teams, go fuck yourself you tubby fuck. Fuck you Mike Tomlin, Bill Cower has the chin, what do you have? Sunglasses? you Mike Epps looking mother fucker, matter of fact, you know what? FUCK YOU MIKE EPPS, you suck on house, and that says a lot.

man, how do I follow that up, im woozy now. I don't think i can so I'm gonna call it a night. 

Mahalo

Bnew

The Adventures of Joeington Banks and BNEW

BNEW- AW HELLS NAW, BNEW SAY AIN NO SUPER BOWL 'LESS BNEW GET BNEW'S DRANK ON AND BNEW GON DRANK, OH HE GON DRANK BLEE DAT. BNEW HEARD  DEY WERE USIN A BUZZSAW DIS YEAR, BNEW DOWN WID IT.

Joeington Banks- Excuse me, Bradley, but I do believe the super bowl will be going on regardless if you are consuming alcohol or not. I however will be watching the puppy bowl and enjoying a fine glass of chablis.

BNEW-  WHAT AN THE FUKK IS YOU TALKIN BOUT AIN NO DRANK GET DRANK TILL BNEW GET HIS DRANK ON AN BNEW SAY SHIT BE ON DIS SUNDAY BLEE DAT BNEW GON BE ON DAT ROCKET FUEL DEN HE GON TO DA MOON AND GET DAT SPACE PUZZY.

JB- Bradley, I do not believe drinking a combination of patron and red bull will give you the ability of interstellar travel, nor is there any life on the moon, and even if there were the odds of whatever life form having reproductive organs that are compatible with that of a human's are astronomical.

BNEW-  *blinks twice, starts thinking of strippers* BNEW DOWN WID IT. BNEW SAY ALL DEM MOON HOES GON LUV IT WEN I MAKE IT RAIN GON MAKE THAT SPACE PUZZY BLEED. TROOF. DEN BNEW GON DRANK O HE GON DRANK, HE GOT SOM OF DAT 44TH BLEND CUZ HIS PREZIDENT IS BLAK AND HIS LAMBO IS BLUE

JB- Were you even listening to me just now? The odds of you conducting coitis with an extraterrestrial are rather immense, but I will agree with you about our 44th president, Barack Obama. For that I will drink, why yes, I'm going to partake in the drinking of alcoholic mixed drinks in a social setting.

If Mickey Rourke want's to fight Chris Jericho that's his prerogative

Joe's pretty clever at leaving some things out.

Joe

lol

you know

I dunno whats worse

the fact that you said that

or that I laughed at it

12:28amJoe

I dunno if there is anything worse than a class

that is not really about literature

but the theory or idiots who overanalyze it

of**

12:39amBrad

my dog took a shit in the shower

12:39amJoe

lololololololol

12:39amBrad

his head is in the right place, but the toilet is a mere foot away

12:40amJoe

hah

at least the shower is easy to clean

12:40amBrad

yeah, it's tile too so it required minimal effort