The Adventures of Joeington Banks and BNEW: gotta have me my boats n hoes

BNEW- YO TPIZZY B ON BOATS N SHIT, BNEW DOWN WID IT, HE SAY HE FUKK MERMAIDS, HE GETTIN DAT ARIEL PUZZY, NONE OF THAT URSULA SHIT.

Joeington Banks- Bradley, that didn't happen, that was a music video for The Lonley Island, I for one don't find Andy Samberg very funny, I prefer Andy Dick, that guy is so hilarious with his antics. have you seen him on sober house? it's very insightful as to the tortured artist's soul and the demons they face.

BNEW- *blank stare, thinks of ariel blowing him* BNEW DOWN WID IT, I HEARD DEM FISH BITCHES GOT GILLS, I AIN NEVER FUCKED A BITCH WITH GILLS BEFO. AN THA FUCK IS YOU TALKIN BOUT WHITE BOY? ANDY DICK GAY AIN YOU NEVER SEEN OLD SCHOOL? HE BLEW A CARROT. ALL WILL FERREL WANTED WAS SOME KFC.

Joeington Banks- Bradley, having relations with a mermaid is impossible anyway, they have fish parts from the waist down, andy dick on the other hand....

BNEW- *eyes shoot open*  BNEW AIN DOWN WID DAT BLEE DAT

Joeington Banks- what, im not gay, really!

week in rage : states that need to be nuked off the map for 100, alex

Every week I go over the top five things that pissed me me off. Enjoy as I ramble on about things a normal human being would simply learn to tolerate and live with.
1. Auto companies. Really? You already need more money? Obama has barley been president for a month and you're already hitting him up for more money? You ever have a family member ask you for money, only to call you right back and ask for even more? Like the first check hasn't even cleared yet and this guy wants more. Here's a clue. Stop spending absurd amounts of money on your own old greedy asses and take a pay cut of your own, rodger goodell just did it, I doubt you'll notice that insted of making 80 million you're only gonna make 60 so a few more people can keep their jobs and we can get this abysmal economy back on track.

2. Alex Rodriguez - your cousin injected you with "a mysterious substance"? Every time someone sticks a hypodermic needle and injects me, I make sure to ask just JUST WHAT THE FUCK IT IS BEFORE HAND. I really feel sorry for guys like griffey and greg maddox who went their careers without juicing and were more than capiable of hanging around and put up hall of fame numbers and yet don't get talked about nearly as much. Baseball is seriously fucked when a guy who is the highest paid player in the history of team sports is accused of juicing.

3. Fried Food - you know, for something so delicious you know it's going to be bad for you, and the chow hall I'm forced to go to serves primarily fried food in many forms: shrimp, catfish, corn, french fries, onion rings, some weird bastardization of an egg roll consisting of carrots, peas, and green beans all together. I love french fries, but there is a point where you feel your blood moving and you know its gotten bad. Not everythink needs to be flash cooked in greasei for one have been trying to eat healthier as part of my new years resolution (I might be the only person on earth who follows through with them) and mens health provides some awesome recepies and nutritional facts about some foods at the supermarket that are pretty helpful for trying to shed some poundage, recepies I may be posting to the blog (like baked maple honey bacon).

4. Wal-Mart - maybe the most redneck shopping outlet on earth next to bass pro shop, I saw a kids bow and arrow set and thought long and hard about the implications of a childrens instrument of death. I wear camoflague and shoot guns for a living and was scared a little.

5. The ENTIRE state of Tennessee- I make fun of Lendale White a lot, but, I think I might do it less after being in this shithole state for two weeks, or I might do it more, I dunno, I'm gonna play this one by ear, two days ago it was in the 70's which is comfortable for me, the next day it was 47, and this morning it was 18, if this trens continues it'll be -50 when I leave, while that temperature has never been recorded in the continental US I'm confident it will occur because clearly god hates this state. I think the army has a hardon for sending me to shitty places, Georgia, south carolina, missouri, and now this. For my floridian readers I will describe to you what Tennessee is, you know those streaches of the turnpike where there is nothing except for a gas station and the home of the guy who owns the gas station? Imagine an entire state of that and then memphis which is like jacksonville except smellier if you can imagine

Profiles in awesomeness: Marshawn Lynch

New segment here on the hangover: Profiles in awesomeness. Every week we profile one human being who exemplifies who just know how to be what is the creme de la creme of awesome. 

In our inaugural edition we have Buffalo Bills Running back: Marshawn Lynch

what makes him so awesome? well, other than the fact that he goes into "Beast Mode" whenever he gets in the game according to himself, The Sporting news recently interviewed him, here are some gems.

What's in my iPod: Messy Marv, Tha Jacka, Lil Webbie, Lil Boosie, Clyde Clarkson, Hustler, J Stylin, Keak Da Sneak and the Farm boyz, Killa Tank, Lee Majors (The Six Million Dollar Man? -ed), Mistah F.A.B, 2Pac, Sleepy D

Now, I knew exactly two names on that list. The whitest kid u kno

More awesomeness included:

On My Office Walls: A Mural of me and everything meaningful in my life (wait for it-ed) my cousin painted (of course-ed). It included my mamma, penguins (YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES -ed), The skyline of oakland, "Family First", footballs, and my goddaughter 

Best interview ever? let's continue

Favorite Meal: Fried Chicken (yay for stereotypes! - ed), spaghetti, and red kool-aid ( ...uhhh really? -ed) - unless my cousin made the blue kind (wow. that would be a win in ethnic bingo -ed)

I wish I were making this up. but no. this exists. those are his words. and it only gets better from there.

My Bucket List: I don't really think about that too often, but I would like to go to Africa and see what's up over there (you know, just a weekend trip, nothing serious -ed). also the Philippines and Asia. Go to Fiji and see if the water is really like that. (WTF? -ed) And also I'm going to go down in history for something, I'm not sure what yet, but it will be good.

That really just happened. Marshawn is going down in history alright, for being awesome

Source= Sporting News Today

Too Easy?

Now, I'm not saying that all Gator fans use psychedelic drugs. Because clearly the kid just had oral surgery done. But I'm also not not saying that.

The real victim of exploitation in this is the dad, who keeps a handycam in the car? I'm willing to venture a guess that after you got your son's crooked teeth fixed you decided to make a stop and pick up a blotter of acid just to see what would happen. Normal people do not question their existence after a trip to the dentist. 

The Adventures of Joeington Banks and BNEW: whence batman doth involved

Bnew- BATMAN SAY SHIT B OFF, AND PEOPLE B MAKIN A BIG DEAL ABOUT HIM TELL SHAWTYS HOW TO DO DEY JOBS, BNEW AIN DOWN WID IT. BNEW SAY BATMAN AN JOHN CONNOR KNOW HOW TO SAVE DA EARF SHAWTYS NEED TO LISTEN TO HIM!

Joeington Banks- Bradley, you do realize Christian bale is an actor, he's not really batman, and in reality him going on a nine minute tirade on how a light grip accidently walked into a shot is just another example of how overpaid actors have a overwhelming sense of importance and they are incredibly narcissistic.

BNEW- WHA IN THA FUCKK? ONE TIME I SAW BATMAN KILL A MAN WITH A AXE. YOU SAYIN HE SOFT? CUZ HE GO WAY HARD, I WANNA HIRE BATMAN AS MY BODYGUARD SHIT B OFF HE KNOW HOW TO SQUASH IT, SHIT EVEN WHEN HE B MAD HE KNOWS HOW TO SET IT TO A BEAT SO YOU CAN B IN THE CLUB WEN HE GETS HEATED. THER B LOVE IN DIS CLUBBBBBBBBB. 

Joeington Banks- that's acting Bradley, and no, you didn't see Batman kill a man with an axe, that was Bale playing the character Patrick Bateman in the movie American Psycho, and he also didn't plan his voice to sound like that, someone looped his voice for comedic effect, it's pretty easily done. The fact of the matter is that people are so interested in celebrities and not their own lives that this seems to take precedence over anything else and something like this becomes news, anything to help people forget their economy is failing just for a mere moment is enough I suppose these days.

BNEW- *thinks about him and christian bale making it rain, Bale then punches a stripper* BOOM BITCH! BNEW DOWN WID IT. ME AN BATMAN GON DRANK O WE GON DRANK BLEE DAT. WE GOT R OWN FUCK LION SO FUCK WID IT. DEN WE GON DRANK DAT ROCKERY FUEL AND DRIVE THE BATMOBILE AROUN TOWN A PULL US SUM SHAWTYS. BNEW SAY AIN NO DRANK GET DRANK TILL HE PUT A HURTIN ON DAT MOUF WID DAT DIKK. DEN BNEW GON TURN INTO DA DIKMAN NA MEEN?BNEW GON DRANK, HE GON GRAB DEM CHEREZ. GON CUM N RUN. AN IF YOU DON LIKE IT HIM AN BATMAN GON ROLL BY YO HOUS AN GON TRAININ DAY ON YO AZZ. HAPPY BIRFDAY BITCH. BNEW DOWN WID IT

The Week In Rage, BUZZSAW EDITION

Let's get this diatribe started. You know what's coming. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Fuck you Mr. Rooney, your old ass should have died years ago, there I said it. Fuck you Ben Roethlisberger, you and your douche goatee, your constant aloofness and the fact that you were probably eating a choco taco during the 4th quarter. Fuck you Hines Ward, not because you smile 8,000 times a game for no reason, Oh, a 4 yard catch SMILE TIME. I helped Willie Parker run two yards from my pass blocking SMILE, no, Fuck you for pretty much being an epic douche and starting shit with nearly every other secondary player in the league this year, you're a shithole and you need to die. Fuck You Santonio Holmes, You celebrate for every minor thing too, but when you celebrate you dont come up with anything original, oh you're clever alright for doing the lebron powder and throw, I know, I saw that nike commercial with lil' wayne too, you know what? FUCK YOU LIL' WAYNE, MAKING A ROCK ALBUM? BAD FUCKING IDEA. YOU HAVE FAILED SIR, AND GOOD DAY. Fuck You James Harrison, you have the lead and you try to punchout a guy who only plays on special teams, go fuck yourself you tubby fuck. Fuck you Mike Tomlin, Bill Cower has the chin, what do you have? Sunglasses? you Mike Epps looking mother fucker, matter of fact, you know what? FUCK YOU MIKE EPPS, you suck on house, and that says a lot.

man, how do I follow that up, im woozy now. I don't think i can so I'm gonna call it a night. 

Mahalo

Bnew