The Only Good Thing About Your City: Philadelphia

Ah, Philadelphia. The nation’s first capital city. Home to the Liberty Bell and Philly cheesesteaks. I am going to be honest Philadelphia, the only good thing about your city is It’s Always Sunny. I would much rather spend an evening at Paddy’s than at a Sixers game.

76ers: Originally the Syracuse Nationals of the NLB, moved to Philly in the 60’s. In 1965 they acquired Wilt “I have slept with thousands of women, the Stilt" Chamberlain. Later that season their championship dreams were shattered by none other than the Boston Celtics. The following season they would go on to beat ‘em and win it all. The most recent championship they have won since was in the 1982-83 season. Despite many conference and division titles since their big win, they have been unable to repeat success. Allen Iverson is perhaps the greatest player in Sixers history. Fast forward 9 years, things are not looking too hot but ey, with 5-8 at least they’re better than the Nets.

Flyers: The Flyers were brought to your city in 1966. Their only Stanley Cups were won nearly thirty-five years ago. Kudos on being one of the all-time most winningest teams in the NHL. They have been division champs many times, but have not held the title since the 03-04 season. Last conference championship was thirteen years ago. Meh, hockey.

Phillies: The very first World Series win for the team came while Pete Rose still had a good name. With that win, finally the last of the original major league teams would have World Series title. Jesus, it took them long enough. Fast forward twenty-eight years and BAM! Two back to back appearances. After struggling for so long it was about time they came around. As a Yankee fan, I really dislike the Phillies. I don’t hate them or anything but I could do without a few of their players (especially you, Chase Utley). I’m not a total douche and can step away from my blue and white haze long enough to give credit where credit is due. The Phillies are one hell of a team. They’re strong on both sides of the field. I know it hurt you guys to lose this one with the loss of Harry Kalas.

Eagles:

Before 1999 the Eagles had fifteen playoff appearances and six division championships. The Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb era ushered in success including seven playoff appearances and five NFC East titles It seems they just can’t make it ALL-THE-WAY. Last August they picked up reformed citizen Michael Vick fresh out of prison to compliment Donovan McNabb. I still haven’t gotten used to seeing him in green and white.

The only thing good about your city: New Jersey

New Jersey, a state who's prime export is guidos, Is home to two Pro sport franchises. One is a basketball team that will eventually leave the state for Brooklyn, and another is a satanic cult lead by a fat goaltender. Who ever decided to grant pro sports teams to this armpit of a state should be throughly repremanded. Look, either put a team in New York or Philadelphia or don't make one at all. New Jersey: the sewage runoff state.

National Hockey League:

New Jersey Devils- A franchise who started out as the Kansas City Scouts, then transformed into the Colorado Rockies, then moved to New Jersey in 1982. Wayne Gretzky once so famously dubbed them a "Mickey Mouse Organization" after his Edmonton Oilers trounced them 13-4. The Devils would epitomize what it is to be from New Jersey for the first twelve years of their existance. That is to say, they were made fun of by pretty much everyone else. That would all change however in 1993 when rookie Martin Broduer was the standout net minder for the devils and they made a suprising run for the stanley cup. With Broduer in net the Devils would go on to win two more Stanley Cups and on the way to that Broduer has obtained the most wins out of any goalie in NHL history.

National Basketball League:

New Jersey Nets- Let me forward this by saying at the time I wrote this the 2009 New Jersey Nets were an astounding 0-10. This is all you really need to know about the Nets.

The New Jersey Nets started out as ABA franchise "The New Jersey Americans" The Nets have never won a NBA title, nor have they ever been taken as a serious playoff contender, even through at one point on their roster they featured a combination of Jason Kidd and Vince Carter. Mikhail Prokhorov, Russia’s richest man, recently became the owner of the Nets and has solidified his intent to build a stadium in Brooklyn, Great, now New York City can have two shitty basketball teams.

Are you looking forward to wendsday's post on Philly where I dig into my beloved city? Well, guess what? I'm not gonna give you the pleasure. Guest Blogger Lauren Krebs is gonna write her supposed distain for Philly (she's both a giants and yankees fan) and she's a woman who knows sports, so that instantly makes her a more appealing blogger than me.

The Only Good Thing About Your City: New York

New York City, Home of the Yankees, Mets, Rangers, and Knicks. The City Claims two football teams that play in new Jersey (the Giants and Jets) while they claim no affiliation to the Hockey Team on Long Island, the team itself calls itself the New York Islanders. The city has been home to many of sports most famous figures. Babe Ruth, Jackie Robinson (who played for the Brooklyn Dodgers), Derek Jeter, Lawrence Taylor, Joe Namath, Mark Messier, Patrick Ewing. They are also home to some of sports most infamous figures. Isiah Thomas (as a coach) Alex Rodriguez, and the 1993 New York Mets (and by any extention the present mets team) and Lawrence Taylor. With the largest Sports Market in America, It's no wonder New York is host to 7 pro sports franchises.

National Football League:

New York Jets- Formed as an AFL team in 1960 as the Titans of New York (they would adopt the titans throwback jerseys as a 3rd uniform in 2007). The Jets are most famous for their win over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III (their only super bowl win) in with their QB "Broadway" Joe Namath in 1969 (many people are quick to point out this season my be the sole reason why he is in the hall of fame, his final season he threw 4 TD passes and 16 interceptions). The Jets The team would go on to stumble it's way through the 1970's and in the 1983 draft would pass on future hall of famer Dan Marino for Ken O'Brien. Most recently the Jets drafted USC QB Mark Sanchez, who despite showing great promise in the first half of the season, has shown signs of weakness and all around USC-doucheness as of late.

New York Giants- Now, I could talk how everyone should be eternally grateful to the new york giants for stopping what could have potentially been the perfect storm of smugness emanating from boston fans after Super Bowl XLII where the 18-0 patriots lost to the Giants. But let's be real for a second, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna talk about Lawrence Taylor doing boat loads of coke, Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg, and former Giant (and current New Orleans Saint) Jeremey Shockey being a huge pile of University of Miami Douche. Those are the images I conjure up whenever I think of the New York Giants. Well, them and Chuck Bednarik hitting Frank Gifford so hard he was forced into retirement (I actually get a chubby when I watch that hit)

National Basketball Association:

New York Knicks- HOO BOY DO THE KNICKS BLOW. I mean, jesus, when you think of the knicks you're thinking of a team on par with a pick up game at your local rec league.You wanna know how bad they are? They paid Isiah Thomas to be a head coach of their team. The Knicks haven't won a NBA Championship in 36 years, and they haven't even been relevant in terms of playoff contention since Patrick Ewing played for them. Wanna know how bad they are? In a fictional universe Whoopi Goldberg was a head coach and it worked out better for them than what they're doing in real life.

National Hockey League:

New York Islanders- The Isles have won four (4) stanley cups in their history, but not one in the last 20 years and in the last five years they have won two playoff games while losing an astounding 184 games, The Islanders are hands down one of the worst franchises

New York Rangers- While it's so easy to hate the Rangers for the team they have currently (they feature uber-douche Sean Avery as one of their defensive players) it's easy to overlook Brian Leetch and Mike Richter, two of the best american hockey players to play the game. Mostly though, It's just super easy to hate the Rangers. The Rangers have been known as a team where good careers go to die. Notably, at various points in history the Rangers had Wayne Gretzky, Pavel Bure, Theo Fleury, Eric Lindross, and Alexi Kovalev on their rosters. None of those players brought any substantial success to the Rangers.

National Baseball League:

New York Yankees- 27 world series championships. Any time you ask anyone anything about the New York Yankees that's what they'll come up with. as impressive as that may be, understand something, that team has been around since the turn of the century, literally, 1901 was their first year in existence, so I've crunched the numbers here and that's one championship every four years, the yankees also lead the league in world series losses (13). There is no franchise in pro sports with more history than the yankess, which also give you plenty to hate about them. Babe Ruth was a fat, prostitute propositioning, cigar smoking, pitcher who is well known for being considered the Home Run King (despite Hank Aaron braking his record and then a steriod enhanced mongoloid breaking his in return) but is also the all time strikeout king. Lou Gerhrig once punched an orphan, that orphan would become Marilyn Monroe who would in turn get punched around by Joe DiMaggio. Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris were closeted homosexuals and spent a lot of time together if you know what I mean (note: I may or may not have made that up, well, the stuff about DiMaggio is true, he went Chris Brown all over Marilyn Monroe) then after being a shell of it's former self the Yankees were bought by George Steinbrenner and he named Billy Wagner as manager then brought in Reggie Jackson and began a tradition of hiring managers that know what they're doing, firing them and taking the side of the self-absorbed players. Steinbrenner would make a habit of simply buying players outright from their teams inorder to construct what would on paper be an all-star team made up of the best players from around the league thusly diluting the level of competition and making my hatred for them on par with that of the Dallas Cowboys, LA Lakers, and Pittsburgh Penguins.

New York Mets- as much as I hate the Yankees, and trust me, I hate them plenty, my scorn for the residents of Queens is even higher, although given their penchant for imploding down the stretch (and in the case of the 2009 season not even competing at all) it brings great joy to my face to watch them fail so hard. I'm not gonna go into the history of the mets so much, well, at all really because who cares? The mets transcend being a shitty team, they embody and embrace being one. All you need to know about the mets is that they will always live in the shadow of the yankees, despite their best efforts to appear as the yang to their yin.

Well. That's another city down, and another 7 franchises, bringing us to a mere 101 teams left. Next post is gonna be New Jersey, after that Is gonna be Philly, which I won't be writing, but will be featuring a guest writer: Lauren Krebs. and despite her handicap (she's both Yankee and Gator fan) she is quite knowledgeable on sports and can come up with some funny material, which will be a pleasant change around here. She might quite literally be the Peggy Olsen to my Don Draper. I like to envision myself as Don Draper as much as possible, just with scotch instead of Rye, mmm scotch.

The Only Good Thing About Your City: Buffalo

Buffalo, a preverbal frozen wasteland. Home of two sports teams so famous for their futility one is even contemplating moving to CANADA! When I was going through Basic Training I knew a guy who grew up in miami, only to get stationed at Fort Drum, which is near Buffalo, when he found this out he almost cried, when he found out he was getting deployed he messaged me and sounded happier than he had been the past eight months. Sit and think about that. People would rather go to AFGHANISTAN than live in buffalo. Now, onto their crappy teams.

National Football League-

Buffalo Bills: Historically there are four teams that define futility in the NFL. The Bills are one of those teams. Wanna know how many super bowl wins they have? big fat zero. Playoff appearances in the last, oh, let's say decade? Zero. The Bills are so bad, I'm fairly confident UF could beat them. Currently the Bills have on their roster Terrell Owens, a man so distracting he can singlehandedly cause a team to implode a pun itself faster than a Red Giant. The Bills may become the first NFL team to move to canada, They play one game a season in in the Rodgers Centre in canada and would effectively make Toronto the proud owners of one of the NFL's worst franchises.

National Hockey League-

Buffalo Sabers: The Sabers have shown flashes of greatness, When Dominick Hasek and Michale Peca played for them many people considered the Sabers perennial playoff contenders. Joining the league in the '70-'71 season the Sabers are in the "Never won a stanley Cup" club. Their Current goaltender Ryan Miller is widely considered the second coming of Mike Richter, that is, a highly talented American goaltender.

Buffalo is hard to hate mainly because of how harmless they are. their fanbases are nowhere near as annoying as their cousins in NYC, and their neighbors to the east in Boston. Buffalo fans are one of the most tortured groups of people who've endured some terrible teams in their history, and it's just fun to make jokes at their expense. 14 down, 108 to go. Next post: New York City. (if you hadn't noticed the pattern, I'm going from North to South, East to West.

The only Good Thing About Your City: Boston

Bawh-stun, as the native pronounce their city, has four storied franchises, storied for their dominating play, overall team effort, and generating a fan base so insufferable that I wish the DoD sent me there to take care of that problem over the one we have oversees. Wanna know why you should hate this particular section of america so much? espnboston.com that's why. The city holds 32 world championships, and yet they feel like there is some bias against all their teams to quote tommy from quinsy "NO ONE DENIES THIS!"

Major League Baseball:

Boston Red Sox- Remember how earlier I said the Florida Panthers trading Roberto Luongo was the wort trade in the shitory of hockey? Well, many people regard the Trade of Babe Ruth for the off-broadway play No, No, Nanette the worst trade in the history of sport. After the sale of Ruth, the sox would be plagued by the imaginary "curse of the bambino" for the next 86 years the most polarizing example of this was during the 1986 world series where Mookie Wilson hit a ground ball between Bill Buckner's legs. The "curse" ended with a shitty Jimmy Fallon rom-com.

National Hockey League

Boston Bruins- Saying the Bruins are the most likable team in boston is on par with asking what is your favorite terminal disease. The Bruins have been around since 1924 and have won the Stanley Cup five times. In 1966 the Bruins had what may people consider the greatest hockey player of all time: Bobby Orr. Orr would be credited for revolutionizing the defenseman position and be named MVP of both stanley cups he won with the Bruins, To this day he is the only defenseman to win the NHL's season scoring title. Orr, coincidently, was the last captain for the Bruins to win a stanley cup.

National Basketball League:

Boston Celtics-Founded in 1946 their 17 Championships are the most in the NBA. Bill Russel became the first African-American to be in a NBA starting line up in 1964. In 1979 the celtics drafted Indiana State forward Larry Bird, for the next decade him and Michigan State point guard Magic Johnson would represent the most anticipated matchup in the NBA. Once Bird retired the celtics went from a once proud franchise to the epitome of suck and it would take a complete team overhaul and the addition of Kevin Garnett for them to win another Finals series. Bird's last Championship with the Celtics was 1986, it wouldn't be for another 22 years when KG arrived that they would win again.

National Football League

New England Patriots- Contrary to many of their fans belief, they existed well before 1992. 1960 was the actual year the Boston Patriots were founded as an AFL franchise. This team is what many people believe to be the source of the epidemic that is "Massholes" that is the insufferable boston area sports team that has a unshakable belief that their teams are vastly superior to all others and that anytime they lose some cruel injustice has been wrought on the world, need solid proof of the massholes existence? listen to a Bill Simmons podcast, or read one of his columns, he will speak to no end his profound love of his boston teams. Also, Bill Belichick might be satan, or at least a shareholder in haliburton.

Honestly, I held back berating these teams, The two I find it easiest to hate are the sox and pats, and that's mostly do to the intolerability of their fan bases, if there was some state-sponsored genocide of the fans of those teams I would sign up to be one of the executioners in a heart beat just so I would never have to deal with their collective stupidity ever again.

Alright, so, after this post it now puts me at having done 12 out of 122 teams only 110 more to go! or until I die of exhaustion!

The only Good Thing About Your City (Cities): Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver, Montreal

Part two in an ongoing series I'm just gonna go ahead and finish Canada. Who cares, an entire country named Doug and Janet. poutine is gross by the way. Starting with canada may have been boring, considering there aren't any NFL teams for me to hate, and the only city with an MLB team or NBA team was Toronto, but it's best I got this out of the way ASAP

National Hockey League:

Montreal Canadians: One of the "original six" The Canadians have won more stanley cups than any other team in the NHL (24) despite not having won one in sixteen years. The Canadians are responsible for the monster that is Patrick Roy, when Roy was a rookie he was the goalie for their stanley cup winning team in 1986. In the 2004-05 season they adopted Youppi, the former mascot of the then recently departed Expos, and equally as boring, their former mascots were the children of players or management.

Calgary Flames: Now, depending who you ask, the flames either started as the Calgary Tigers in 1921 or the Atlanta Flames in 1972. Either way they are one of two teams situated in the province of alberta, the other being the Edmonton oilers, who I'll get to later. Staying on the Mascot bandwagon, the Flames are responsible for the NHL's first mascot, Harvey the Hound, because canadians are boring you see, What a dog has to do with fire, I don't know, maybe they doused him in gasoline and lit him on fire before throwing him from a speeding car on a freeway, or maybe it was some epic foreshadowing of Mike Vick, who knows. The flames have won a stanley cup in the 88-89 season and made an unexpected run to the cup in 2004 causing then Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin to dub them "Canada's Team", oh good, an analogy to the Dallas Cowboys, there's your reason to hate them.

Edmonton Oilers: If you count years in the WHA (World Hockey Association, and don't worry I don't) the Oilers were founded in 1971, however they officially became a NHL team in 1979, and proceeded to own the NHL's ass for the next half decade. Responsible for introducing the world to the likes of Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Paul Coffey and Grant Fuhr. Now if only they could find some players in the present...

Vancouver Canucks: I give those canadians one thing, they sure are crafty when it comes to coming up with names for their teams. Canadians, Canucks, hell, why not just name one of your teams "People who live north of the US" it's like you people don't even try. They were on the lucky end of what many people call "the worst trade in the history of the NHL, EVER". Trading away Todd Burtuzzi, Alex Auld, and Bryan allen to the Florida Panthers for Roberto Luongo (Luongo still plays for the canucks, while none of the three still play for the Panthers). The Canucks are one of thirteen teams who haven't won a stanley cup.

Well, glad that whole country is over. Now onto the greatest country in the world, and to start it off, This worst fanbase in the entire country, that's right: Boston.

The Only Good Thing About Your City (Cities): Ottawa, Toronto, Montreal

This is the first entry in a series of posts that I plan on making that will cover all 122 Teams in the four major sports leagues (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL) hehe. MLS, that's cute. This first post I planned on just doing the city of Ottawa, then I realized they only had one team, which makes for a boring post. So I decided to expand it to the whole Province of Ottawa. Canada, catch the excitement!

The province of Ottawa is home to Four major sports teams. From what I gather a province is a goofy canadian version of a state, so they're basically the New York of Canada. Toronto and the city of Ottawa all reside in this province, which, more or less makes my argument valid. From what I hear Toronto is a pretty awesome place, I'll never know because I'm a red-blooded, capitalism loving american. Now, onto the teams!

Major League Baseball.
Toronto Blue Jays- Formed In 1977 The Blue Jays are now the only MLB team in Canada, with the former Montreal Expos moving to Washington DC in 2004. They have two World Series victories in 1992 and 1993 Defeating The Philadelphia Phillies and The Atlanta Braves.

National Basketball League.
Toronto Raptors- Formed in 1995 The Raptors are the only NBA team in Canada, with the former Vancouver Grizzlies moving to Memphis in 2001 (history kind of repeating itself there huh?). The Raptors were Famous for drafting Vince Carter in the 1998 Draft After his Six year Tenure he departed in 2004 and Chris Bosh has emerged as not only a Team Leader, but one of the premier players in the league. It's a shame really, because no one pays attention to any professional sports in Canada.

National Hockey League

I included the NHL because I happen to like hockey, but I have no Illusions that the majority of my readers have the same feeling toward the sport: "meh".

Toronto Maple Leafs- One of the "Original Six" The Toronto Maple Leafs have won eleven Stanley Cups are are bitter Rivals with cross, ugh, provincial rivals The Montreal Canadians. I really can't say much about the Maple Leafs, I mean, um, Mike Myers is a pretty big fan and made his terrible, terrible movie The Love Guru pretty much about the team. So, that's reason enough to hate them.

Ottawa Senators- The Current iteration of the Senators have been around since 1992, and have been one of the most successful franchises during their history, qualifying for the playoffs in 11 of the past 12 years and having one of the league's highest attendance numbers (around 19,000 per game, which is more than most Jacksonville Jaguars games....)

Woo! four down one hundred and eighteen more to go! Tomorrow: The rest of Canada! Getting America's hat out of the way!

Hey, New York, Fuck You!

Alright: Fuck You Joe Girardi, you half crazy fuck, oh you're such a genius manager! Really? half of your team is former all stars from other teams. A monkey could be the manager for the yankees and they could win a pennant. You're an appendix, your position may have once served a purpose, but has since become useless.

Fuck You Hideki Matsui. You're a DH, which is a polite way of telling you "you're old and we don't want you in the field, but here, you can hit for our pitcher" speaking of which

Fuck you Mariano Rivera. "the greatest world series closer of all time" hard to debate that, I'll give you that, but you know what, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Fuck You Johnny Damon: you look like the missing link you ugly fuck.

Fuck You Derek Jeter: Captain of the yankees, is like saying "King of douches"

Fuck You Alex Rodriguez: you suck out luod in the playoffs, just be glad Ryan Howard decided he didn't wanna do shit otherwise you'd be fucked.

Fuck You Mark Texera: You're a former brave and angel. I don't need a reason to hate you, you've given my two already.

Fuck You Joba Chamberlain: You tubby fuck, have fun eating your weight in cream cheese after the game.

and the final fuck you.

Fuck You Yankees Fans: god you people are annoying, I take that back, Fair-weather and bandwagon fans are annoying, Knowing plenty of people who are misplaced New Yorkers who live in florida, quite a few of you were rooting for the Rays last season. we have 27 world championships, yeah, well you have two in the past decade, where were you people when you were playing like shit and blowing 3-0 playoff leads to the Red Sox and making those fans insufferable? I blame you fucks for that shit. Fuck You, hard. I hope you people get turned into a Human Centipede