The Adventures of Joeington Banks and BNEW

BNEW- AW HELLS NAW, BNEW SAY AIN NO SUPER BOWL 'LESS BNEW GET BNEW'S DRANK ON AND BNEW GON DRANK, OH HE GON DRANK BLEE DAT. BNEW HEARD  DEY WERE USIN A BUZZSAW DIS YEAR, BNEW DOWN WID IT.

Joeington Banks- Excuse me, Bradley, but I do believe the super bowl will be going on regardless if you are consuming alcohol or not. I however will be watching the puppy bowl and enjoying a fine glass of chablis.

BNEW-  WHAT AN THE FUKK IS YOU TALKIN BOUT AIN NO DRANK GET DRANK TILL BNEW GET HIS DRANK ON AN BNEW SAY SHIT BE ON DIS SUNDAY BLEE DAT BNEW GON BE ON DAT ROCKET FUEL DEN HE GON TO DA MOON AND GET DAT SPACE PUZZY.

JB- Bradley, I do not believe drinking a combination of patron and red bull will give you the ability of interstellar travel, nor is there any life on the moon, and even if there were the odds of whatever life form having reproductive organs that are compatible with that of a human's are astronomical.

BNEW-  *blinks twice, starts thinking of strippers* BNEW DOWN WID IT. BNEW SAY ALL DEM MOON HOES GON LUV IT WEN I MAKE IT RAIN GON MAKE THAT SPACE PUZZY BLEED. TROOF. DEN BNEW GON DRANK O HE GON DRANK, HE GOT SOM OF DAT 44TH BLEND CUZ HIS PREZIDENT IS BLAK AND HIS LAMBO IS BLUE

JB- Were you even listening to me just now? The odds of you conducting coitis with an extraterrestrial are rather immense, but I will agree with you about our 44th president, Barack Obama. For that I will drink, why yes, I'm going to partake in the drinking of alcoholic mixed drinks in a social setting.

If Mickey Rourke want's to fight Chris Jericho that's his prerogative

Joe's pretty clever at leaving some things out.

Joe

lol

you know

I dunno whats worse

the fact that you said that

or that I laughed at it

12:28amJoe

I dunno if there is anything worse than a class

that is not really about literature

but the theory or idiots who overanalyze it

of**

12:39amBrad

my dog took a shit in the shower

12:39amJoe

lololololololol

12:39amBrad

his head is in the right place, but the toilet is a mere foot away

12:40amJoe

hah

at least the shower is easy to clean

12:40amBrad

yeah, it's tile too so it required minimal effort

This Week in Rage

Customer service Lines. Let me explain something to you. having an automated voice try to guide you to an answer is about effective as fighting a war with paintball guns. you might hit your target, but you're not gonna receive the desired effect. So please why can't I just talk to a human being if that's what's gonna end up happening anyway, you're an automaton middle man so I can talk to another middle man. How about this, I call you up and I get press 1 for english  2 for spanish and that's fucking it, let me talk to a person who is capable of understanding that I don't want to be talking to this person any longer than I have to, what is essentially a business transaction is being streached into a inconvenience for myself.

Paying for shit that used to be free. Remember when cheat codes were free? Well EA reached a new level of making you pay for your game well after you've started playing it by offering the Time is Money DLC pack that unlocks all the locations and skater items, it's 400 MS points which is roughly $5. You may remember in Madden 07 they did the same thing for each team's throwback jersey and classic stadiums for the Xbox 360 that were included (for free) on the PS2. I'm sorry, microtransactions are the epitome of evil, nickle and diming someone who just dished out $60 for a game and then charging them another $5 for all the content is a bit, um, douchey.

Light beer. I shouldn't have to try to remember what beer tastes like, unlike many of my contemporaries I don't just drink beer to get drunk, sure, that serves a secondary purpose, but if I'm drinking something, I want to enjoy it. I speaking specifically to the corona/ budlight/ natty light fuck tards. you are the reason why the drinking age is 21, shit, I would raise it to 50 if all you plan on buying is that piss water beer, I would give an 8 year old child a yuengling black and tan just cause I know it's gonna keep him busy for a while, mean while he's drank four bud lights before the end of the first quarter. Long time readers may notice my bias towards Yuengling, you know why that is? It costs just as much (if not less in some places) than bud light and guess what? IT'S STILL FUCKING AMERICAN MADE! now granted, yuengling makes light versions of their products, but point is, light beer, specifically bud light, is used only by those who are using it as a means to an end, cause there is no way you think that shit tastes good.

Bnew

Mahalo

No dog in the hunt? why not root for the birds?

Now here's the thing. Untill this year there were several things that had not occurred in or for Arizona. amongst them are:

1. NFL Playoff Home game

2. A Division title

3. A Conference title

4. A Super Bowl appearance

5. Martin Luther King Day being observed. 

Well, 4/5 ain't bad. 

Unless you or any family members are from Pittsburgh and you're rooting for the Steelers. You're an asshole. 

or If you, like Donovan McNabb have had something happen to you in arizona. There is really no reason why you shouldn't be pulling for the cards next sunday. They're the ultimate underdog, even moreso than the Tampa Bay Rays, the Ray's are barley even ten years old and after sucking for nine they made it to the World series. The Rays are pretty much  The Titans if there was a football equivalent. Their unprecedented success ultimately fell short and they lost to a team that had a much more longstanding history of futility. The Cardinals are quite literally the football equivalent of the Philadelphia Phillies. After years of being considered the laughing stock of the NFL, The Cardinals are one win away from a Super Bowl victory, that same victory might very well land Kurt Warner into the Hall of Fame. 

Can't forget about the Patron saint either.

God, this cold be awesome. Chutley and Leinart both getting rings this year is gonna make my head explode. 

Well, I have a bus to catch to head back home. While there I will attempt to live blog the Flyers-Panthers game (that's hockey fyi) and chances are manage to not get drunk at all while im down there.

Mahalo

Bnew 

A first for MMH

our very first interview. Dan Levy from onthedlpodcast.com and 609 Design stopped by to discuss Coming up in the podcast/blogging world, Tony Kornheiser, and Unborn Children.

remember you can subscribe in iTunes by clicking Advanced, Subscribe to podcast, and then typing in http://mondaymorninghangover.podbean.com/feed/

and streaming online at mondaymorninghangover.podbean.com

mahalo

bnew

Glow in the light tour '09

go to itunes, clicked advanced, subscribe to podcast, http://mondaymorninghangover.podbean.com/feed/ and then allow your ears to be made love to

A return to form

The Mickey Rourke of podcasts will be returning to the Kimbo Slice of the blogosphere. 

OH HE GON DRANK BLEE DAT

Mahalo

Bnew

I want to murder your face

We Dont need no education: notable underclassmen who've declaired for the draft

Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
Percy Harvin, WR, Florida
Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
Nate Davis, QB, Ball State
Andre Smith, DT, Alabama
Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
Chris "Beanie" Wells, RB, Ohio State
Donald Brown, RB, Connecticut
Jeremy Childs, WR, Boise State
Shonn Green, RB, Iowa
P.J. Hill, RB, Wisconsin
Ricky Jean-Francois, DL, LSU
Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri
Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn State
LeSean McCoy, RB, Pittsburgh
Sean Smith, CB, Utah
Brandon Williams, DE, Texas Tech

Everette Brown, DE, Florida State

Stafford might as well practice falling down and landing on his back in ford field. Percy Harvin should be thankful they fired Matt Millen otherwise he's be the one wearing silver and blue. Andre Smith can continue to overeat at St. Louis. Beanie Wells and Chad Johnson at the same place at the same time is scary. Sorry to tell you Sanchez. the best looking girl in Kansas City is her, and she's taken.

Mahalo

Bnew

Florida Gator fans are the "new" New England Patriots fans

Now, this has been brewing for a while, and here, I'm saying it. Shut up, please. My mind is slowly wrapping around the concept of the preposed college football playoff. let me rephrase that. The awesome Obama backed idea that would all but eliminate this shit from occurring once again. Let me make the following cases for Utah, Texas, and USC. allow me to adjust my seat so I can fully hate the florida gators for what they are and their narcissistic self absorbed asshole fans. KSK might have coined the phrase Massholes for fans of the new england area teams. but I think we can all agree if there was something just as catchy to call gator fans, that shit would be gangbusters. 

Let the cynicism begin.

Utah- Only undefeated team in college football. Only problem is, they're not in a BCS conference. Defeated Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. Had their coach Kyle Whittingham named AP Coach of the year in the FBS. Still not in a BCS conference. Named #2 in the final AP coaches poll, Defeated 3 ranked opponents, including a team that was #1 in the nation for 5 weeks. Still not in a BCS conference. Imagine being in American Idol, but being placed 3rd and not even being considered for the final two because you were born in canada. 

USC- Maybe the only competitive team in the PAC-10, Although, they also lost to #18 Oregon State. OH, WAIT. UF Lost to #14 Ole Miss. I get it, in conference losses only count when you're in the "vastly superior SEC" blow me. Number of SEC ranked teams: 4. Number of PAC-10 ranked Teams: 3. It all makes sense now, that one extra ranked school makes the SEC 100x better than the pac-10. it makes sense the more you think about it. and shove bamboo under your fingernails.

speaking of ranked schools and better conferences, you know who has more ranked schools than the SEC? THE BIG FUCKING 12. Which brings me to my final point.

Texas- If I'm Colt McCoy I'm wearing a huge happy hat for next year at Texas. Being ranked #3 and losing out on the Big 12 championship would make me feel amazing. not only did we beat Oklahoma in the regular season, our only loss came to TEXAS FUCKING TECH ON THE LAST PLAY OF THE GAME. I use all caps to emphasize that I'm actually yelling as I type this. alright. That's it for this week in Rage.

Mahalo

Bnew

Is this really happening

let the homerism begin.

Alright. Let me say first and foremost that Asaunte Samuel is by far an improvement over Lito Sheppard at cornerback. Considering he is two interceptions away from the post season record is great. Donovan is playing like he knows how to in the playoffs. the Eagles are the second most successful team in the playoffs during the 21st century, (being 10-6 since 2000) only the Patriots (14-3) have a better post season since. better than the Colts (7-7) better than the Steelers (8-4), better than the cowboys (0-3) and along with five division wins since the 2000 season. People tend to downplay the eagles because of the TO situation, McNabb's oft injured status and Andy Reid for resembling a walrus. That, along with the Santa Claus Incident of 1968 causes the public to sortof look down on philadelphia and to the vast majority of fans now resent that status. Yours truly included. 

Don't get me wrong, The Arizona Cardinals may be the 2nd best hard luck case in the league. I've sortof taken to them (hence the Blogger username) as the team I will appreciate when they aren't facing my Iggles. I don't believe sunday will be a repeat of thanksgiving, I believe in my team, but I also dont see another 48-20 occuring. maybe 23-12. just throwing that out there.

/homer

Ma-halo

Bnew

My bucket list

Having watched Jack Nichelson and Morgan Freeman do what some may consider lame, I actually consider them old guy awards, they're worldly and somewhat charming, which is what I guess the title of that movie was trying to come across. I however have my own bucket list consisting of what I want to do. I've been paid to skydive, so that's out of it. Wrestling an alligator has no real appeal to me. Drinking an absurd amount of beer seems like something I could do saturday if I willed it into fruition so that's out. These are more or less things I want to happen to me.

1. Dry shave with Machete while smoking cigar. maybe one of the most bad ass looking things ever. Has to be done in a jungle while covered in mud. Then again I suppose this has to happen.

2. Fend off animal with torch. Not necessarily kill said animal, just shoo it away. Preferably a bear.

3. Host actual radio/TV show. More of a goal really, Go back and listen to those test podcasts. I clearly have the voice (and face) for radio. 

4. Have an underwater knife fight. Knife fight where there is nothing resisting your movement would somewhat be difficult. Not only would it look like something from a bond movie, my odds of winning/surviving are drastically improved.

5. Box a Kangaroo. Many people claim Dolphins are nature's smartest creature. Well, they don't have arms, so why not fight Nature's version of Wes Welker? So gritty, and scrappy.

6. Pull surgical mask down take a deep sigh and announcing "there was noting more we can do". Sad, yes. Power Move. you bet. bonus points if during said medical procedure I shout "LIVE DAMN IT!"

7. Run on top of a moving train while being chased. If only to undo the final train car and wave bye at whoever is trying to kill me leaving them and whoever else was in those rear cars stranded in a desert to fend for themselves.

8. Recreate the heist scene from Heat. could be faked, could be real. who knows.

9. Land commercial airliner after pilots are incapacitated. Could be a recreation of Airplane! or just adverting a tragedy and my own death. also, driving a car on a tarmac to stop a plane to catch someone deserves an honorable mention.

10. Get out of straight jacket by dislocating my own shoulder. Look, Riggs did it. I think I can do it. 

Rey Maualuga, man amongst men.*Update*

As much as this pains me to say, I'm impressed with a USC footbll player, and I'm not talking about the patron saint. No, this distinction belongs to maybe the *sigh* best linebacker in college football right now *sigh*
See Erin Andrews is pretty much the epitome of sideline tail. Suzy Kolber and Rachel Nichols too. That, along with the multi million dollar contracts they sign makes me wish I still had some semblance of athletic talent. 

Ma-Halo

-Bnew

Update- Thank God For Buzzcuts

o hai 2009

Well, with my trip to west palm coming to a close, and having accomplished little more than permanently damaging two women's lives, I feel this trip has been pretty much everything I thought it would be.

Woman 1 is an ex of mine who I occasionally hook up with cause she has one of the most epic boob jobs i've ever seen in my life. and depending on how you see it her being dumber than the saline residing in her chest my or may not be a bad thing. She's about as easy as they come too, I only mentioned I was in town and she instantly wanted my balls in and around her mouth. and given my living conditions (my grandmother's duplex unit, mother also present.) hooking up would not be an easy task. But, where there is a penis that needs to be sucked there is a way. With a little coaxing that it would be alright, we defiled the downstairs bathroom and her chest/face area with my seed. Eventually i would request another hookup, which was met with "why am I only good for sex with you" and from there it devolved into brad having one less potential hookup, until she forgets about it, as this has happened at least three times in the past.

Woman 2 is an ex of mine who I sometimes talk to but seeing as how she has a boyfriend I hardly see in person, a grand total of two times since we've broken up. both times being a colossal bucket of awkward resulting in sub-par hookups on both events. however this time with the want on her behalf to snuggle with yours truly it was turned into a full on hookup. What started as a back massage turned into her flipping me over and taking my shorts off and riding me like the the first lifeboat off the titanic. She has since broken up with her boyfriend in the days since. I may have seen a reason why. Am I a terrible person? Maybe. But all the facts are yet to come in. remember, it takes two to tango. A conscious decision was made between three consenting adults and now they must remember that my penis may very well be the bane of two of their existences while I get to go on with my life as if nothing ever happened.

Ma-Halo

-Bnew