The Only Good Thing About Your City: New York

New York City, Home of the Yankees, Mets, Rangers, and Knicks. The City Claims two football teams that play in new Jersey (the Giants and Jets) while they claim no affiliation to the Hockey Team on Long Island, the team itself calls itself the New York Islanders. The city has been home to many of sports most famous figures. Babe Ruth, Jackie Robinson (who played for the Brooklyn Dodgers), Derek Jeter, Lawrence Taylor, Joe Namath, Mark Messier, Patrick Ewing. They are also home to some of sports most infamous figures. Isiah Thomas (as a coach) Alex Rodriguez, and the 1993 New York Mets (and by any extention the present mets team) and Lawrence Taylor. With the largest Sports Market in America, It's no wonder New York is host to 7 pro sports franchises.

National Football League:

New York Jets- Formed as an AFL team in 1960 as the Titans of New York (they would adopt the titans throwback jerseys as a 3rd uniform in 2007). The Jets are most famous for their win over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III (their only super bowl win) in with their QB "Broadway" Joe Namath in 1969 (many people are quick to point out this season my be the sole reason why he is in the hall of fame, his final season he threw 4 TD passes and 16 interceptions). The Jets The team would go on to stumble it's way through the 1970's and in the 1983 draft would pass on future hall of famer Dan Marino for Ken O'Brien. Most recently the Jets drafted USC QB Mark Sanchez, who despite showing great promise in the first half of the season, has shown signs of weakness and all around USC-doucheness as of late.

New York Giants- Now, I could talk how everyone should be eternally grateful to the new york giants for stopping what could have potentially been the perfect storm of smugness emanating from boston fans after Super Bowl XLII where the 18-0 patriots lost to the Giants. But let's be real for a second, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna talk about Lawrence Taylor doing boat loads of coke, Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg, and former Giant (and current New Orleans Saint) Jeremey Shockey being a huge pile of University of Miami Douche. Those are the images I conjure up whenever I think of the New York Giants. Well, them and Chuck Bednarik hitting Frank Gifford so hard he was forced into retirement (I actually get a chubby when I watch that hit)

National Basketball Association:

New York Knicks- HOO BOY DO THE KNICKS BLOW. I mean, jesus, when you think of the knicks you're thinking of a team on par with a pick up game at your local rec league.You wanna know how bad they are? They paid Isiah Thomas to be a head coach of their team. The Knicks haven't won a NBA Championship in 36 years, and they haven't even been relevant in terms of playoff contention since Patrick Ewing played for them. Wanna know how bad they are? In a fictional universe Whoopi Goldberg was a head coach and it worked out better for them than what they're doing in real life.

National Hockey League:

New York Islanders- The Isles have won four (4) stanley cups in their history, but not one in the last 20 years and in the last five years they have won two playoff games while losing an astounding 184 games, The Islanders are hands down one of the worst franchises

New York Rangers- While it's so easy to hate the Rangers for the team they have currently (they feature uber-douche Sean Avery as one of their defensive players) it's easy to overlook Brian Leetch and Mike Richter, two of the best american hockey players to play the game. Mostly though, It's just super easy to hate the Rangers. The Rangers have been known as a team where good careers go to die. Notably, at various points in history the Rangers had Wayne Gretzky, Pavel Bure, Theo Fleury, Eric Lindross, and Alexi Kovalev on their rosters. None of those players brought any substantial success to the Rangers.

National Baseball League:

New York Yankees- 27 world series championships. Any time you ask anyone anything about the New York Yankees that's what they'll come up with. as impressive as that may be, understand something, that team has been around since the turn of the century, literally, 1901 was their first year in existence, so I've crunched the numbers here and that's one championship every four years, the yankees also lead the league in world series losses (13). There is no franchise in pro sports with more history than the yankess, which also give you plenty to hate about them. Babe Ruth was a fat, prostitute propositioning, cigar smoking, pitcher who is well known for being considered the Home Run King (despite Hank Aaron braking his record and then a steriod enhanced mongoloid breaking his in return) but is also the all time strikeout king. Lou Gerhrig once punched an orphan, that orphan would become Marilyn Monroe who would in turn get punched around by Joe DiMaggio. Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris were closeted homosexuals and spent a lot of time together if you know what I mean (note: I may or may not have made that up, well, the stuff about DiMaggio is true, he went Chris Brown all over Marilyn Monroe) then after being a shell of it's former self the Yankees were bought by George Steinbrenner and he named Billy Wagner as manager then brought in Reggie Jackson and began a tradition of hiring managers that know what they're doing, firing them and taking the side of the self-absorbed players. Steinbrenner would make a habit of simply buying players outright from their teams inorder to construct what would on paper be an all-star team made up of the best players from around the league thusly diluting the level of competition and making my hatred for them on par with that of the Dallas Cowboys, LA Lakers, and Pittsburgh Penguins.

New York Mets- as much as I hate the Yankees, and trust me, I hate them plenty, my scorn for the residents of Queens is even higher, although given their penchant for imploding down the stretch (and in the case of the 2009 season not even competing at all) it brings great joy to my face to watch them fail so hard. I'm not gonna go into the history of the mets so much, well, at all really because who cares? The mets transcend being a shitty team, they embody and embrace being one. All you need to know about the mets is that they will always live in the shadow of the yankees, despite their best efforts to appear as the yang to their yin.

Well. That's another city down, and another 7 franchises, bringing us to a mere 101 teams left. Next post is gonna be New Jersey, after that Is gonna be Philly, which I won't be writing, but will be featuring a guest writer: Lauren Krebs. and despite her handicap (she's both Yankee and Gator fan) she is quite knowledgeable on sports and can come up with some funny material, which will be a pleasant change around here. She might quite literally be the Peggy Olsen to my Don Draper. I like to envision myself as Don Draper as much as possible, just with scotch instead of Rye, mmm scotch.

The only Good Thing About Your City: Boston

Bawh-stun, as the native pronounce their city, has four storied franchises, storied for their dominating play, overall team effort, and generating a fan base so insufferable that I wish the DoD sent me there to take care of that problem over the one we have oversees. Wanna know why you should hate this particular section of america so much? espnboston.com that's why. The city holds 32 world championships, and yet they feel like there is some bias against all their teams to quote tommy from quinsy "NO ONE DENIES THIS!"

Major League Baseball:

Boston Red Sox- Remember how earlier I said the Florida Panthers trading Roberto Luongo was the wort trade in the shitory of hockey? Well, many people regard the Trade of Babe Ruth for the off-broadway play No, No, Nanette the worst trade in the history of sport. After the sale of Ruth, the sox would be plagued by the imaginary "curse of the bambino" for the next 86 years the most polarizing example of this was during the 1986 world series where Mookie Wilson hit a ground ball between Bill Buckner's legs. The "curse" ended with a shitty Jimmy Fallon rom-com.

National Hockey League

Boston Bruins- Saying the Bruins are the most likable team in boston is on par with asking what is your favorite terminal disease. The Bruins have been around since 1924 and have won the Stanley Cup five times. In 1966 the Bruins had what may people consider the greatest hockey player of all time: Bobby Orr. Orr would be credited for revolutionizing the defenseman position and be named MVP of both stanley cups he won with the Bruins, To this day he is the only defenseman to win the NHL's season scoring title. Orr, coincidently, was the last captain for the Bruins to win a stanley cup.

National Basketball League:

Boston Celtics-Founded in 1946 their 17 Championships are the most in the NBA. Bill Russel became the first African-American to be in a NBA starting line up in 1964. In 1979 the celtics drafted Indiana State forward Larry Bird, for the next decade him and Michigan State point guard Magic Johnson would represent the most anticipated matchup in the NBA. Once Bird retired the celtics went from a once proud franchise to the epitome of suck and it would take a complete team overhaul and the addition of Kevin Garnett for them to win another Finals series. Bird's last Championship with the Celtics was 1986, it wouldn't be for another 22 years when KG arrived that they would win again.

National Football League

New England Patriots- Contrary to many of their fans belief, they existed well before 1992. 1960 was the actual year the Boston Patriots were founded as an AFL franchise. This team is what many people believe to be the source of the epidemic that is "Massholes" that is the insufferable boston area sports team that has a unshakable belief that their teams are vastly superior to all others and that anytime they lose some cruel injustice has been wrought on the world, need solid proof of the massholes existence? listen to a Bill Simmons podcast, or read one of his columns, he will speak to no end his profound love of his boston teams. Also, Bill Belichick might be satan, or at least a shareholder in haliburton.

Honestly, I held back berating these teams, The two I find it easiest to hate are the sox and pats, and that's mostly do to the intolerability of their fan bases, if there was some state-sponsored genocide of the fans of those teams I would sign up to be one of the executioners in a heart beat just so I would never have to deal with their collective stupidity ever again.

Alright, so, after this post it now puts me at having done 12 out of 122 teams only 110 more to go! or until I die of exhaustion!

week in rage : states that need to be nuked off the map for 100, alex

Every week I go over the top five things that pissed me me off. Enjoy as I ramble on about things a normal human being would simply learn to tolerate and live with.
1. Auto companies. Really? You already need more money? Obama has barley been president for a month and you're already hitting him up for more money? You ever have a family member ask you for money, only to call you right back and ask for even more? Like the first check hasn't even cleared yet and this guy wants more. Here's a clue. Stop spending absurd amounts of money on your own old greedy asses and take a pay cut of your own, rodger goodell just did it, I doubt you'll notice that insted of making 80 million you're only gonna make 60 so a few more people can keep their jobs and we can get this abysmal economy back on track.

2. Alex Rodriguez - your cousin injected you with "a mysterious substance"? Every time someone sticks a hypodermic needle and injects me, I make sure to ask just JUST WHAT THE FUCK IT IS BEFORE HAND. I really feel sorry for guys like griffey and greg maddox who went their careers without juicing and were more than capiable of hanging around and put up hall of fame numbers and yet don't get talked about nearly as much. Baseball is seriously fucked when a guy who is the highest paid player in the history of team sports is accused of juicing.

3. Fried Food - you know, for something so delicious you know it's going to be bad for you, and the chow hall I'm forced to go to serves primarily fried food in many forms: shrimp, catfish, corn, french fries, onion rings, some weird bastardization of an egg roll consisting of carrots, peas, and green beans all together. I love french fries, but there is a point where you feel your blood moving and you know its gotten bad. Not everythink needs to be flash cooked in greasei for one have been trying to eat healthier as part of my new years resolution (I might be the only person on earth who follows through with them) and mens health provides some awesome recepies and nutritional facts about some foods at the supermarket that are pretty helpful for trying to shed some poundage, recepies I may be posting to the blog (like baked maple honey bacon).

4. Wal-Mart - maybe the most redneck shopping outlet on earth next to bass pro shop, I saw a kids bow and arrow set and thought long and hard about the implications of a childrens instrument of death. I wear camoflague and shoot guns for a living and was scared a little.

5. The ENTIRE state of Tennessee- I make fun of Lendale White a lot, but, I think I might do it less after being in this shithole state for two weeks, or I might do it more, I dunno, I'm gonna play this one by ear, two days ago it was in the 70's which is comfortable for me, the next day it was 47, and this morning it was 18, if this trens continues it'll be -50 when I leave, while that temperature has never been recorded in the continental US I'm confident it will occur because clearly god hates this state. I think the army has a hardon for sending me to shitty places, Georgia, south carolina, missouri, and now this. For my floridian readers I will describe to you what Tennessee is, you know those streaches of the turnpike where there is nothing except for a gas station and the home of the guy who owns the gas station? Imagine an entire state of that and then memphis which is like jacksonville except smellier if you can imagine